The Verizon Files: Hukd onn Fonicks - Thi ntarnat uhdishun.

I was sitting next to one girl one night, who like me, was a computer supergeek. A lot of our shift was spent debating between which Linux distribution was more superior, and whether nVidia or ATI was the better graphic card chipset.

Yeah, nerd heaven, but I digress.

I'm sitting waiting for a call, while she was on one, and, while browsing FCP, I overheard her on a call:

Her: "2nd row of keys, 5th button. Now 3rd row of keys, 2nd button."

...Wait, what? Surely this isn't what I think it is...

...but, I as I look at her, she gives the biggest eyeroll I have ever seen in my life, thus assuring what I was thinking was true:

She was helping someone who was completely illiterate reset their password. God help us all.

I have mentioned many a time before that there should be an IQ test prior to being able to use the Internet. Many a flame war on various message boards as well as highly unintelligible websites such as this have proven this theory true. But this took the cake. People that can't even read a Stop sign are getting online to write gobbledygook for me to try to decipher as being a rational thought, and will probably be jerks about it and call my mom a "frkgot" on top of that.

She gets off the phone and I have to ask.

Me: Are you serious?
Her: Yep, completely illiterate.
Me: What in God's name could this guy possibly need the internet for.
Her: What else?
Me: *Thoughts of breasts and vaginas creeping in* Of course.

Which, you know, I find this hilarious. There are people that are completely illiterate surfing the internet right now that couldn't even search for the Dr. Suess classic "Cat in the Hat." But SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, they have figured out how to spell the words "sex, cock, pussy, tits, lesbian, porn, fuck, and ass," to look up internet porn all day. This phenomena has also been documented by Gaijin Smash among Japanese youth, who cannot say "The pen is red," even in Engrish, but can figure out over 500 sexual innuendos in perfect English within a split second. Are you still proud of the advanced society that has been created, people?

But oh no, this gets better.

She continues with the story, saying that his live-in girlfriend got angry with him over the amount of time he spent online looking up porn, so she changed the password to her DSL account, and told him he was not allowed to use the computer for 2 weeks. After the 2 week sentence was up, SHE made HIM call to reset the password and reconfigure the modem.

I guess he better learn how to spell "Masochism," too, because it sounds like he's into that kind of thing.

Good news for egg lovers!

You know, sometimes news stories just prove how absolutely stupid some people can be. I'm not even talking about the the perpetrator of this incident in itself, although this is pretty retarded. I'll catch up the slow ones after the article:

http://mdn.mainichi.jp/national/news/20080512p2a00m0na016000c.html

Kerosene-soaked man becomes human fireball after cretinous coppers give him one last cigarette

NAGOYA -- A man died after turning into a fireball after police supplied him with cigarettes and a lighter and his kerosene-soaked clothes exploded into flames while in a police interrogation room here, police said.

The 45-year-old unemployed Nagoya man, whose name was not disclosed, died late Sunday night, about 21 hours after he burst into flames inside an investigation room at the Atsuta Police Station.

A 54-year-old police sergeant who tried to extinguish the fire that claimed the man's life sustained minor burns to his right hand.

Investigators said they are unsure whether the man set himself alight or he burst into flames by accident.

Atsuta Police Station Deputy Chief Michiharu Kondo slammed his officers for giving the man cigarettes and a lighter despite the station's no smoking policy.

"It was wrong not to get him to change his clothes and to have given him permission to have a cigarette in the smoke-free police station," Kondo said.

Police said they received a call from the man's 59-year-old lover at about 8:40 p.m. on Saturday night after the couple had become embroiled in an argument. Six officers were dispatched to the scene and the man walked out onto the road to greet them, carrying an 18-liter jerry can filled with kerosene. He walked about 200 meters along the road, pouring kerosene over his head as he did so on three separate occasions, using about 5 liters of the flammable liquid.

The man held up a cigarette lighter and threatened to set it aflame, so officers grabbed him and bundled him into a patrol car, then escorted him to the Atsuta Police Station at about 11 p.m. Some 15 minutes later, police took turns to question the man in a second floor interrogation room at the station.

Officers asked the man to take a breathalyzer test, but he refused and began demanding he be given a cigarette. A 24-year-old police officer bought him a packet of cigarettes from a vending machine in the station and left the smokes on a table in the interrogation room. Another 24-year-old officer supplied the man with a lighter.

Three more officers went in to question the man about 15 minutes after midnight Sunday and found him sitting cross-legged on the floor of the interrogation room. Flames started spitting out of the right leg of his trousers and when the man stood up, he burst into flames that quickly encompassed his entire body.

Police said the three officers who were questioning the man at the time he burst into flames said they had no idea how he caught fire. There were cigarette butts on the floor, suggesting that a spark may have set him afire, but he may also have set himself ablaze when he tried to light a smoke, police said.

Ok, it's not the amazing pyrotechnic display in this case that makes me think, "Hmmm...how stupid can you be?" I want to recap some of the things written in this article for you guys, in case you failed to catch on:

Atsuta Police Station Deputy Chief Michiharu Kondo slammed his officers for giving the man cigarettes and a lighter despite the station's no smoking policy.

"It was wrong not to get him to change his clothes and to have given him permission to have a cigarette in the smoke-free police station," Kondo said.

Well, that certainly makes sense that you would chew out your subordinates on something like this. If someone smoked within five miles of a dog and smoked here in the States, you'd get stoned to death on the 6PM news.

But wait. Something just doesn't sit quite right with me here:

Officers asked the man to take a breathalyzer test, but he refused and began demanding he be given a cigarette. A 24-year-old police officer bought him a packet of cigarettes from a vending machine in the station and left the smokes on a table in the interrogation room. Another 24-year-old officer supplied the man with a lighter.

And the 2008 Darwin Award for oxymoronic policies goes to...

Because I'm never here to dispel those nasty rumors...

Instant messaging is great. That goes without saying. However, there's
some people out there who have decided to start a new trend, and that
trend is setting themselves as away on IM when they are not away or
busy at all. And this has driven me nuts over the last two weeks. Not
because I don't know when these people are truly busy or not.

It's because people automatically assume that when I'm away, I'm really here.

Either that, or they think I'm omnipresent, can see their messages, and can respond accordingly.

What's worse is, most of these messages I receive while away aren't
messages just saying, "Hope you're doing ok," or, "Hey, I just wanted
to give you a quick update: It's not really Herpes."

95% of the messages are: "Hey." Or "How's it going," or "Help! Now!"

What's worse is I get more conversation-starting messages while I'm
away than when I'm listed as Available. This is clearly parallel to
when I'm dating someone, and girls throw themselves all over me.

Also, bear in mind that I'm not ambiguous about my away messages. I
clearly enter what I'm currently doing in my away messages. I also let
people know that if they have something to say, to leave a quick
message. This does not translate into "Hey, let's talk while I'm work,
because OMG I have ESP and WILL get back to you immediately!"

Also note this: On MSN, I have a plugin that sends auto-reply messages
to people to let them see the exact same away messages that people on
AIM and Yahoo see. It even prefixes the responses with "This in an
auto-reply message:" People STILL see this and thing, "OMG what a
kidder, I'll just scroll him, and he'll respond." Yeah, not going to
happen.

Actually, you have more of a chance of me responding by waiting till
I'm Available, because not only am I not here to respond when I'm away,
when I come home/wake up, and see this string of messages from you
saying, "Hey, what's up?" I get more and more unlikely to respond to
your messages at all, since you obviously do not grasp the concept that
because I'm away, that means that I AM NOT AT MY COMPUTER!

Then there's a special group of people dedicated to the ones on MSN who
think I'm really not away, so they send me Nudges (or Buzzes on Yahoo).
That group of people is more likely to see me chasing after them with a
lead pipe than they are to EVER get a reply to an IM, because Buzzes
and Nudges drive me absolutely insane to no end. Even doing it when I'm
available will get the same result: Lead pipe.

So let's recap:

-When my away message says: "I'm asleep," I'm asleep.
-When my away message says: "I'm at work," I'm at work.
-When my away message says: "I'm at the store," I'm at the store.
-When you try to start conversations when I'm set to any of these away
messages, including others that might indicate that I'm not at my
computer, or not at home, you make the baby Jesus cry.
-When you start conversations when I'm set to availble, or set to an
away message that indicates that I'm at my computer but busy doing
something and to message me if it's necessary, you make the baby Jesus
giggle.
-Giggling > Crying. Unless you're emo.

Lesson over. Now I'm going to work. But since I have ESP and
omnipresence, obviously feel free to message me, even though I'm set to
away, because only by doing so will you help me hone those skills and
become an extra on Heroes.

Bass Tab: Flyleaf - I'm So Sick

Drop D tuning (DADG)

Intro pt. 1 (x2):
G|-----------------------------------
D|-----------------------------------
A|----------------------------9-9-9--
D|-3-0-3-0-3-4-3-0-4/6-6-6-----------

Intro pt. 2 (x4)
G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-3-0-3-0-3-4-3-0-6-6-6-6-4-4-4-4-

Repeat Intro pt. 1 (x2)

Chorus (1x):
G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-

G|---------------------------------------------------
D|---------------------------------------------------
A|---------------------------------------------------
D|-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-14-14-14-14-15-15-15-15-

G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-

Repeat Intro pt. 1 (2x)

Verse (8x):
G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-3-3-3-0-0-0-0-0-6-6-6-6-4-4-4-4-

Repeat Chorus (1x)

Repeat Intro pt. 1 (2x)

Repeat Verse (8x)

Bridge (1x):
G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-

G|---------------------------------------------------
D|---------------------------------------------------
A|---------------------------------------------------
D|-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-14-14-14-14-15-15-15-15-

G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|-------------------------9-9-9-9-
D|-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5---------

Repeat Chorus (1x)

Repeat Intro pt. 1 (2x)

Repeat Chorus (1x)

Repeat Intro pt. 1 (4x)

Bass Tab: Project 86 - The Spy Hunter

Tuning: Drop-D (DADG)
Key: * Let Note Ring :: Slide Down Neck :: / Slide Up Neck

Intro pt.1 1x:
G|------------
D|------------
A|------------
D|-0*---6-6-6-

Intro pt.2 4x:
G|------------------------------
D|------------------------------
A|------------------------------
D|-0-0-6-0-0-6-5-0-3--0-2--0-3--

Stop when Andrew says: "One last disguise" and then go straight into:

Verse 4x:
G|------------------------------------------------------------
D|------------------------------------------------------------
A|------------------------------------------------------------
D|-0-0-6-0-0-6-5-0-3--0-2--0-3-2-0-0-6-0-0-6-5-0-3--0-2--0-3--

Pre-Chorus 2x:
G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-0-2-2-3-3-6-6-6-5-5-5-5-6-6-6-6-

Lead-In To Chorus 1x:
G|-----------------
D|-----------------
A|-----------------
D|-8-7-0-3-2-0-5-6-

Chorus pt.1 1x:
G|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-------------------------------------------------------
A|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0--------0-0-0-----312/3-

Chorus pt.2 1x:
G|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-------------------------------------------------------
A|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0--------12/3-

Verse 6x:
G|------------------------------------------------------------
D|------------------------------------------------------------
A|------------------------------------------------------------
D|-0-0-6-0-0-6-5-0-3--0-2--0-3-2-0-0-6-0-0-6-5-0-3--0-2--0-3--

Pre-Chorus 2x:
G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-0-2-2-3-3-6-6-6-5-5-5-5-6-6-6-6-

Lead-In To Chorus 1x:
G|-----------------
D|-----------------
A|-----------------
D|-8-7-0-3-2-0-5-6-

Chorus pt.1 1x:
G|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-------------------------------------------------------
A|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0--------0-0-0-----312/3-

Chorus pt.2 1x:
G|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-------------------------------------------------------
A|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0-------------

Bridge 4x:
G|----------------------------
D|----------------------------
A|----------------------------
D|-0*----6*----3*-----8--8-10-

Pre-Chorus 2x:
G|---------------------------------
D|---------------------------------
A|---------------------------------
D|-0-2-2-3-3-6-6-6-5-5-5-5-6-6-6-6-

Lead-In To Chorus 1x:
G|-----------------
D|-----------------
A|-----------------
D|-8-7-0-3-2-0-5-6-

Chorus pt.1 1x:
G|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-------------------------------------------------------
A|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0--------0-0-0-----312/3-

Chorus pt.2 1x:
G|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-------------------------------------------------------
A|-------------------------------------------------------
D|-0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0-------0-0-0-

Outro 1x:
G|----------------
D|----------------
A|----------------
D|-0-0-0-------0*-

Bass Tab: Project 86 - Pipe Dream

Tuning: Drop D (DADG)

Intro (Refrain)

Verse (8x):
G|--------------------------
D|--------------------------
A|--------------------------
D|-0-2--2-0-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-

Verse Break (2x):
G|--------------------------------------
D|--------------------------------------
A|--------------------------------------
D|-0-2-0-2-0-2*---0-2-0-2-0-2-0-2-3-3-3-

Repeat Verse (8x)

Pre-Chorus (8x):
G|-------------
D|-------------
A|-------------
D|-0-0---0h2h0-

Chorus (4x):
G|-------------------------------------
D|-------------------------------------
A|-----4-5-5--5-5-5-5------------------
D|0*------------------8--6--5--0--3--5-

Repeat Intro

Repeat Verse (8x)

Repeat Pre-Chorus (8x)

Repeat Chorus (4x)

Bridge (8x):
G|-------------------------
D|-------------------------
A|-----------------5-------
D|-0--0--0--0-0-5-----7--5-

Bridge Fade (1x):
G|----
D|----
A|----
D|-0*-

Outro (20x):
G|----------------------------------
D|----------------------------------
A|-----------5h7-7------------------
D|-0--0-0-7--------8-8--8--8--8-8-8-

Bass Tab: Project 86 - Evil (A Chorus of Resistance)

Tuning: Dropped D (DADG)

Key -- h: Hammer on; \: Slide up the neck; *: Let note ring

Intro/Chorus (2x):
G|---------------------------------------
D|---------------------------------------
A|---------------------------------------
D|-0-0-0-8-7-7-7-10-8-8-8-12h14-12h14-12-

G|----------------------------------
D|----------------------------------
A|----------------------------------
D|-0-0-0-8-7-7-7-10-8-8-8-8-8-7-7-7-

Verse/Bridge (3x):
G|----------------------------------------
D|-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-10-10-10-10-10-12-10-0-
A|----------------------------------------
D|----------------------------------------

G|-------------------------------------
D|-------------------------------------
A|-8-8-8-8-10-10-10-10-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-
D|-------------------------------------

Verse Lead-out (1x):
G|----------------------------------------
D|-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-10-10-10-10-10-12-10-0-
A|----------------------------------------
D|----------------------------------------

G|--------------------------------------
D|--------------------------------------
A|-8-8-8-8-10-10-10-10-5-5-5-5-5-5------
D|---------------------------------10\0-

Repeat Intro/Chorus (2x)

Repeat Verse/Bridge (3x)

Repeat Verse Lead-out (1x)

Repeat Intro/Chorus (4x)

Repeat Verse/Bridge (4x)

Chorus Lead-in (1x)
G|---------------------------------------
D|---------------------------------------
A|---------------------------------------
D|---------------------------------------

G|----------------------------------
D|----------------------------------
A|----------------------------------
D|-0-0-0-8-7-7-7-10-8-8-8-8-8-7-7-7-

Repeat Intro/Chorus (3x)

Outro
G|----
D|----
A|----
D|-0*-

I don't have to deal with this anymore...

I know the concerned party will probably never see it, since this person's head is so far up their own butt that they can care very little about anyone else's life, but I have to get it out.

I have dealt with Hyunsil long enough. I should've listened to my friends who have been trying to convince me to just cut her off. I'm just happy I woke up before I got cut deep again.

I watched her step on her boyfriend, and pretty much run him into the ground. Now the poor guy's in complete denial of what has happened, as evidenced by posts he's left on her homepage.

Moreover, I've watched her prance across me, treating me like I'm the most important thing in the world, then going "Oh, btw, I need _____________." After getting _____________, she will almost go reclusive on me.

She is nothing more than a manipulator, wanting whatever she wants, and anyone else's desires? Unimportant.

Like this week. She has been asking me for help with her resume. I help her. Today, I start talking with her, and she starts talking about something about her life. I try telling her something that's happening to me. She signs off, later, signs back on, and persists to ignore me.

Normally, I'd chalk it up to her or my MSN connection resetting, but considering none of my messages bounced back, I know better.

I called her out on it, and she continues to ignore me. Thus, I have now blocked and deleted her from MSN, leaving my final words as "Good luck in life, get back in touch with me when you grow a heart."

Considering she's turning 24 on the 11th, if she hasn't yet, I don't think she will. I find it sad that you can pour 7 years into a friendship, and truly get nothing in return.

Her problem, not mine. If she's going to act this way, I really don't feel the need to care anymore.

You could chalk it up to PMS, but if that's the case, then I really don't care. Besides, this happens more than once a month. Hyunsil is a hydra, you are just never sure what head you'll get on any given day.

And I can't deal with it anymore. So whatever.

The Verizon Files: Spelling For Borscht

I get a call from a Russian fellow with a very thick Russian accent one night. He is having problems setting up the wireless on his laptop. He already has it hard-wired to the modem, which is at least a good start.

Now, we had a tool at Verizon called Go2Assist. It was similar to VNC except that it was a commercial program that allowed us to view and work on a customer's PC. We send a customer to a site on Verizon that lets them put in a code that we give them, and that code allows us to route to their computer and share their screen. Other features included a paintbrush, where we could draw on their screen, to direct them with steps, and even a flashlight that we could use to highlight things we were asking them to look at that they couldn't find.

When we can get our customer in Go2Assist, we do it. Calls go by SO MUCH FASTER if we can just do that.

Of course, the calls we REALLY need to do it on never allows it to happen. This is one said call.

I ask the guy to type in sharing.verizon.net, and he types it in as follows: sharing.verzon.net. What makes it worse is that he is speaking the words back to me as he types them, and pronounces Verizon perfectly. So when he gets a 404 error, I'm stunned.

I ask him to read it back to me, which is when I find out his spelling error.

Me: Ok, here's what we're going to do. Type in sharing.--:
Customer: Sharing DOT--
Me: V--
Customer: V--
Me: E--
Customer: E--
Me: R--
Customer: R--
Me: I--
Customer: Z--

There seems to be a breakdown in communication somewhere...

I then start trying to explain that he's spelling it wrong. He tells me that's not possible, and that perhaps it's me who is spelling it wrong. I inform that I work for Verizon, and have used their phone service for a decade, that I know how to spell the company name.

This guy, who has probably only been here five years, and spoken English that long, goes off into a SWEARING TIRADE, claiming that I was insulting his intelligence, and insinuating that he didn't know how to spell (He didn't use those exact words, or else I might have retracted the statement). He continues this rant for 5 minutes before I can get a word in edgewise.

BUT BEFORE HE DOES, he takes the IT-cake, and CHALLENGES ME TO A SPELLING BEE, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE! By now I'm just stammering and trying to stifle my laughter. Knowing that my laughbox is about to erupt any time, and knowing I'm going nowhere with this guy, I do the most logical thing in the world.

Me: Sir, who's the manufacturer of your computer.
Him: Dell.
Me: I'm going to have to transfer you to Dell, so that they can fix the problems with your computer so that we can initiate screen sharing with you.
Him: Ok.

I hope to God he can spell Dell. I know most of their support agents can't.