Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
My Megablog - The Explanation of What's Been Happening
So finally, I get a chance to give you a more descript rundown of what has been happening in my life lately. Sorry it took so long, but you have no clue yet how crazy my life has been as of late.
This is a uber-long blog, so please be patient, because you're going to have to read a lot of stuff!
Now, to do this, I guess I will have to go back in time to fill you in. And this involves me being absolutely honest with something I haven't been 100% about with a few people. So yeah, consider this me bearing it all. I know, you're probably thinking, "Jeez dude! I don't want a history lesson! Just give me the here and now!" Trust me, in order to know my reasoning for a lot of things that have been happening (including the reason why I quit playing poker), you NEED to know the full story.
This all started just about 5 years back, in April of 2001. On April 7th of that year, what I thought was the worst thing to happen to me happened. And this sounds absolutely stupid. My mom's 3-week old Saturn L300 car was rear-ended outside of a department store by some guy who wasn't paying attention to the road. I was hurting, and needless to say, the entire trunk of the car was in bad shape. They rushed me to the emergency room, and did some X-Rays. Turns out I just had whiplash, so it wasn't awful. But I had to wear a cervical collar, and had to limit my activity.
So, I was unable to finish my weightlifting classes. And my weekly activities of going out to a club to chill with my friends ground to a halt because of this. So, needless to say, I was bummed. All my activities were cut off, and I was feeling like this was the worst thing to happen to me. Little did I know that this would be quite the opposite in the long run.
Being unable to do much, I turned to my new computer. I had always been a computer nerd to begin with. Circumstances made me more so. I began spending my time, other than the time I spent obsessively playing my new PS2 and scoping out bonus features on my DVDs (God, I remember when that was such a novelty), chatting with my buddies I couldn't spend much time with due to my injury, downloading music (Yeah, old school Napster junk...my how times have changed), and surfing the internet. My little cousin would come over occasionally (and sometimes would have to get off the bus at my house), and we'd make stupid little home movies to entertain ourselves. But I digress on that part, that's a topic for another blog. It was the surfing the 'Net that was the biggest thing of this time.
On Saturday, April 14th, instead of going to the club as I usually would, I wound up surfing the 'Net (why do I keep beating the dead horse?). I wandered randomly onto a Penpal site that I had an account on, just hadn't put it to use at all. Well, I had a long time ago, but got zero serious responses (as in, those that responded e-mailed me once, but never responded to my replies, or I just couldn't connect with them in any way). But I was bored, and my regular plans were blown due to some idiot on a cell phone in a Ford F350. So I decided I'd pop into this site, and just look around, and see if there was anyone I might want to talk to. That's when I found her.
Her, being Hyunsil. She was just this girl from South Korea. Her's was probably the 5th or 6th profile I had read that night. And she seemed interesting. And she looked pretty from her picture. But, I figured I had no chance. That she would probably never respond to my e-mails. I swore to God that it was pointless to even try to e-mail her. I did anyway.
I don't even know why. Usually, when I get these hairs that I have no hope in a situation, I just give up, or never even attempt anything at all. But, I just decided I'd give it a shot. She's halfway around the world; if I never get anything back from her, I'll never have to see her at all to remind myself of my failure. So, why not?
I just sent a quick e-mail introducing myself, commenting on her profile, and told her I hoped that we would get to talk soon. About 10 minutes later, I disconnected, went, and watch a movie. Never gave it a second thought.
The next afternoon, I got online, checked my e-mail, not expecting anything out of the ordinary. Probably just random crap from my friends, and junk mail. Big whoop. But I was shocked! She replied! I never expected a thing, but she gave me a reply! So of course, I kept e-mailing, not expecting anything back to any of them, but she just kept responding to me. I was shocked. I actually found someone online to talk to, that actually kept up his/her end of the responses. Little did I know what this would turn into.
I mean, it didn't really turn into this huge friendship really quickly. I mean, I wound up getting her physical address, as she had asked mine (because she wanted to send me brochures from some trip she went on). And then one day she decided she shouldn't get online much, and that we should just send regular mail to each other. That sucked for me. I think letters are much more personal, and like that. However, the thing I despise about it is that you actually have to WRITE them. I get lazy, or really busy, and writing letters becomes a hassle. So, over this time (from about late 2001, to about early 2003), our communications were sparse. But they were still existant. It would just take a few months for anything to actually happen (which was my fault, she was usually quick to respond to my letters).
Fast forward to March 2003. I hadn't written her since August of 2002. Yeah, I'm really lazy. But, in my defense, I had become busy with school, and then, got really busy with my first band. When I was at home, I was kind of depressed, and just spent my time playing bass, writing, or playing video games. But something just struck me, and I began to think, "I wonder how Hyunsil's doing. Maybe I should write her." Seemed like the thing to do. This was at the time when I was finally breaking out of my depression, and I had just gotten out of the hospital after literally almost dying (read my blog that I dedicated to Rick Girt in 2004), so I had a new lease on life. I couldn't share much of that, as things were financially bad at home, so we had no phone, no internet (duh, no phone), no cable, so pretty much, if it wasn't coming from my bass, my radio, or my PS2, I had no enterainment. So it was definitely a time where I could focus on writing a letter without getting too occupied.
So I wrote her, not expecting a thing back. I mean, I hadn't wrote to her in 7 months, why would she even bother with someone that wrote so sporadically? By the grace of God, though, she did reply. And she was absolutely happy that I wrote her, and had become afraid I had forgotten her. With my new positivity and lease on life, I wrote back as quickly as possible, and we discussed a lot of stuff, and caught up very quickly. And she started trying to teach me Korean. She also sent me things that I treasure to this day: two Korean coins. One was only worth a penny, and one only worth a dime, but who cares? That was pretty nice. I lost the penny piece a few months ago sadly, but still keep the dime with me wherever I go (in fact, I was using one as a card topper when I played poker, which will become absolutely ironic as we delve further).
So, time wore on this year, and we kept talking and talking. Then something really funny happened. I'm going into a huge amount of detail right now, but I feel like it. I may one day forget all of this, and I don't want to.
At church, we (the youth group) started praying for each of us to have a nation on our hearts. So needless to say, I was expecting a sign to come. And it came, or so I think.
Maybe it was just about a week or so after we started this, I don't remember. But anyway, Mom, my cousin and her husband, and myself, went to Wal-Mart in Evansville after dinner one night, because they needed to get some stuff. So, I did my usual, and veered off to electronics. I was looking at video games, then went to look at CD's, and something unusual caught my attention around the TVs. Something didn't sound quite right. It sounded like a foreign language or something. So I walked back there, and saw a bunch of Asians on the screen, and...is it? It is! That's KOREAN text on the screen. And I could figure out that it was Korean being spoken.
Now, I know that satellites can get Asian channels. But this was just absolutely bizarre (more so by the fact of what I had been praying for). Usually in Wal-Mart, you see that lame Wal-Mart channel trying to sell you junk at their store. But not this time. This was a Korean TV station being played at Wal-Mart.
I kind of brushed it off as it may have been a sign, it may not be. We'll just see what happens. Not 24 hours later, I was channel surfing at home (Cable was back), and saw a commercial. It was a commercial for the Korean National Travel Organization's website. This wasn't even the Travel Channel folks. And I have NEVER seen another commercial for it since. Nor had I ever seen one before this at all.
Yeah, I assumed. It was a sign. So I started to think ahead to what may end up being me going over there.
So one night, I was talking to Hyunsil on MSN, and just dropped the possibility of me coming over there sometime. She was ECSTATIC. So she started really hammering on me, trying to help me learn Korean, sending me Korean music, and all sorts of stuff pertaining to my coming over there.
Well, then my computer completely went bust at home. So, once college started, when I wasn't in class or in BASIC, I was in the library on the internet. Kind of geeky, but I hadn't met anyone there that I didn't already hang out with that I wanted to get to know. Several of these people were just horrible people, but again, I digress. But, so many times that I would get online, she would be on.
Needless to say, we began talking a lot. And we got to know each other very well. And it began to blossom into one of the best friendships I have ever had. Ever. Even though we have never met.
I mean, from August of 2003, pretty much every weekday, I had a conversation with her. I would help her with her English, she'd help me with my Korean. We'd discuss so much stuff it was funny. But like I said above, I had no clue what this would turn into. Because in February of 2004, I felt myself falling for this girl. Seriously. I kept it hidden from all but one person (including her, she had no clue for a long time), and swore him to secrecy.
I mean, it just made no sense. How could I be falling for some girl I have never met, never even talked to on the phone? I mean, the only way I really knew she was a girl and from Korea was the hundreds upon hundreds of pictures she sent me. But even those could fake. But I had a feeling that that wasn't the case. Just didn't seem too plausible.
Plus, I was quite frankly scared to admit it. Not so much the fact that I had fallen in love with someone over the internet; you can take the ribbing from that, or even fake the way you met if you were still nervous about admitting that. I was scared to admit that I had fallen for an Asian woman.
It wasn't that I thought that there was anything wrong with it. I didn't. My mother had raised me not to have anything wrong with it. And I didn't. If I had problems about socializing with people that wasn't white, I would've never e-mailed her. My problem was with the reaction of others.
People I hang with now have no problem with it. I mean, people who live in Indianapolis, for the most part at least, see this as an almost nonissue now. Southern Illinois, however, is a whole other animal. If you see someone that isn't white in the area I was from, it was like hitting the lottery. And those people would be stared at. Two people that I used to hang out with in high school were actual card carrying members of the KKK. Yeah, I am ashamed to admit that I'm friends with Klan members.
They actually, as a prank, drove around the square in town, and pulled up to the one black girl in our high school wearing their cloaks. Supposedly, she was traumatized, as expected. I heard this, and just sighed. I never said anything, but I just wanted to smack them for this one. They constantly used "nigger" to describe blacks in the media. So, to be frank, Southern Illinois isn't what you would call racially friendly.
So my mind raced through the thoughts of, "What if they knew I was falling for an Asian?" It just scared me to death what the consequences would be of even uttering that.
So it became not me who decided that is was something to be ashamed about, but outside influences that decided it was something to be ashamed about.
In late April of that year, I finally fessed up to her. And, in May, I talked to her on the phone for the first time ever, and was floored. But still, I kept this on the down-low, because I knew what would be said, and was scared to hear it, only telling a few friends what had transpired, and they (more accepting) were not surprised.
Well, then she went to Egypt for a year to study, and could hardly get online again. So I was back to having to write letters. Once again, I was swamped with music, then back to school, then became utterly depressed again. And once again, our conversations became a lot more sporadic. Not as bad as it had been, but it was not as frequent as it was through my first year of school.
But, once she returned to Korea, it was much more frequent. I finally became less concerned about the reactions of other people, and more concerned about what would happen between us. I wanted us to remain the best of friends, but I still wanted more.
Finally, in December of last year, I broke down and told her everything I felt. I told her I tried to hide it, and pretend it was nothing. But I couldn't. I wanted something more than what we had right then. I wanted my chance to be hers.
She then admitted that she had feelings for me, But she didn't want to act on them until we were able to meet. That was understandable. It's definitely feasible that we could be best friends online, but not get along in person. I don't think that will happen, but it's still feasible. So whatever was supposed to happen, would have to wait until the day that either I made it to Korea, or she made it here. But no matter what, we decided we would go on a date the first time we met. We had to see what was supposed to happen.
Then the utmost traumatic week I've ever experienced with her happened in January.
As everyone knows, I was playing poker seriously. I mean seriously. I lived and breathed the game. I was learning the game, becoming better, and was a winning player. So remember that irony? Yeah, you probably guessed it when I brought it up the first time.
Hyunsil despises poker. She knows it's addictive, and knows someone goes home broke playing it at times. That's all she really knows. And I knew she didn't like the game. We had this discussion once before, but I never came out to admit that I had started playing poker for a living. It wasn't that I had lied to her about what I was doing. I had just omitted it. To me it was a non-issue that we would bring up later, and that I would hopefully have enough of a bankroll built up just from playing freerolls and building that free money up to prove to her that it was a game of skill. So for it to happen in January was unexpected.
I had my occupation on several profiles that my occupation was Poker Player. Never thought anything about it. Then, she signed up to one of those sites, and saw it. And she left me a message on that site, and showed me her distate and disdain for what my occupation was. And that was it.
I began to think she wasn't ever going to talk to me again. I was getting worried as the days passed without her talking to me. One day. Two days. Three Days. Four days. Five Days. This was uncommon, and I seriously became worried she was never going to talk to me again.
Then, she signed on to MSN. And we started talking. And the first topic of discussion was my poker playing. I tried to explain everything to her. I talked until I was blue in the face, but she didn't like it at all. So, I asked her what she wanted me to do. Could I prove it to her that it wasn't just luck or what?
She then told me she wanted to quit playing poker. I almost knew that it would come to this. But I hadn't prepared for this decision at all. I figured I'd eventually be able to get her to understand. But it had all come to this.
To me, it was the biggest decision of my life. I had to think things through rationally.
Amazingly, the decision only took 2 minutes.
It was that moment that I quit poker. Hyunsil meant more to me than the game. Friends, lovers, whatever. 5 year together, I did not want to risk letting her go. And if that meant giving up poker, then so be it.
I haven't second guessed this decision at all. It's tough, yes, but I'm happy that I made it.
And now, I'm projected to go see her in April. When I started writing this blog, I couldn't remember the date of the car wreck, but I called Mom, and then thought about the chain events. And the amazing coincidence is that the day that I'm supposed to arrive in Seoul is the exact day (to the day) that I first saw her profile and e-mailed her. Absolutely amazing.
As it stands, I will be staying there a month. So I will get to be there to celebrate her 22nd birthday in May.
Of course, without poker, and factoring in some expenses that have come in, I'm short the money to get there. Fortunately, I have several chances to get a job now, starting with Meijer in Noblesville. Probably even full time, which will put me at way over the amount I need to get there. And, I should be there long enough for them to be able to let me off to go there. So here's hoping.
So, what has passed my time since giving up poker? I have really started to play music again. I've picked up both the acoustic and the bass (and have been air drumming, which sounds lame, but I've really started to be able to carry rhythm in drums now), and started playing again. I'm learning a lot of songs, some that I never thought I would learned. But that's about it. No band. With what's coming up, it's impractical to start something up that I'll have to put on hold for a month.
I've actually considered going to an open-mic at a comedy club and performing. I just got this wild hair in me when Jake & I got free tickets to see Brett Butler play a comedy club, and found out they have an amateur night. Would probably never do it again, but it just seems like an experience that I would like to try before I die. And everyone says my sense of humor is one of my biggest traits, so why not share that? It'd be interesting to experience.
I just started working out again. I had realized I really need to anyway. I mean, I take ONE STEP on a DDR machine and about pass out. I'm not getting fat, just out of shape. And that can lead to that. But I wasn't motivated to do so.
When I found out I have a shot to come to Korea to see Hyunsil, I felt that was motivation enough. I mean, she has told me that outward appearance isn't very important to her. But still. I'd hate to get there and be completely out of shape, and possibly getting fat. I mean, I want to at least show some pride in myself, and look decent when she meets me. I don't know how that will be possible, as the first time she will ever see me in person, I would look like total poop after the 18 hour flight there trying not to sleep (as it will be about 9-10 PM Korean time when I arrive). But I figure working out won't be too bad.
First day I did it, I knew I was lazy. I didn't know I was this lazy. Here was the totals:
3 Chin-ups
10 Crunches
10 Push-ups
That's it. That's all I could do. I need to start running too, but it's too friggin cold to do here! Well, the next morning, I woke up, and could barely move. That's embarrassing. I do less of a workout than I did in PE in high school (which was very little to begin with), and I'm sore. My abs hurt. My arms hurt. My legs hurt. If I moved, I hurt, I guarantee you.
It took everything I had the next day to even EMULATE the results I put up the first day. And, of course, I'm so melodramatic that everyone thought I had cut my leg off because I was groaning so loud with pain with every repitition.
It's gotten easier. But I'm still sore. The numbers I put up yesterday:
6 chin-ups
30 crunches
20 push-ups
10 one-armed push-ups each arm (THAT was a treat. First one I did, I felt my back pop like never before. I collapsed on the ground, screamed, and then went "Ahhhhhhh." Funny junk)
I'll factor in more stuff as I go, and relearn this stuff. What I need to focus on is my upper body, which has always been shoddy. Trust me people. It was talk of the locker room in high school. I would have tone rest of my body. You could see my ribs, individually. Yes, I eat (a lot). No I don't throw it back up. People would actually offer to buy me lunch because they were concerned. And others would crack jokes. And I've always been self conscious about my chest for this reason. It looks awful.
Laying flat on my back, you will actually see a dip from my rib cage to my abdoment. It's quite offsetting. It looks like one of those annorexic runway models. Gross.
So, I want to get that taken care of. I don't know exactly what exercises to do to tone that part of the body. So anyone with info, please let me know. Otherwise I'll be Googling it.
Don't suggest weightlifting. I've been down that road. I haven't lifted in 5 years (since whiplash incident, man that factors into so much of my life), so I would spend two months just trying to get HALFWAY to where I was. When I WAS lifting, I saw no difference in the shape of my chest. As in, you could still see my ribcage the same as now, the same as in 2003 when the jokes were made.
Also, I'm too focused on saving money for Korea to pay for a gym membership where I would get discouraged seeing all those hard bodies and just quit going. And I don't want to buy a weight set just to try to get back to where I was before I quit lifting, and not offset my problem.
I'm not asking for, or expecting a quick solution. Just something that has a possibility of showing noticeable improvement before April. I could even post pics of my upper body unclothed, just so you can see what I'm talking about. Maybe on Rotten.com. Just kidding.
Well, that's about it. And this is the megablog, absolutely the longest blog I've ever written. And now you know everything.
This is a uber-long blog, so please be patient, because you're going to have to read a lot of stuff!
Now, to do this, I guess I will have to go back in time to fill you in. And this involves me being absolutely honest with something I haven't been 100% about with a few people. So yeah, consider this me bearing it all. I know, you're probably thinking, "Jeez dude! I don't want a history lesson! Just give me the here and now!" Trust me, in order to know my reasoning for a lot of things that have been happening (including the reason why I quit playing poker), you NEED to know the full story.
This all started just about 5 years back, in April of 2001. On April 7th of that year, what I thought was the worst thing to happen to me happened. And this sounds absolutely stupid. My mom's 3-week old Saturn L300 car was rear-ended outside of a department store by some guy who wasn't paying attention to the road. I was hurting, and needless to say, the entire trunk of the car was in bad shape. They rushed me to the emergency room, and did some X-Rays. Turns out I just had whiplash, so it wasn't awful. But I had to wear a cervical collar, and had to limit my activity.
So, I was unable to finish my weightlifting classes. And my weekly activities of going out to a club to chill with my friends ground to a halt because of this. So, needless to say, I was bummed. All my activities were cut off, and I was feeling like this was the worst thing to happen to me. Little did I know that this would be quite the opposite in the long run.
Being unable to do much, I turned to my new computer. I had always been a computer nerd to begin with. Circumstances made me more so. I began spending my time, other than the time I spent obsessively playing my new PS2 and scoping out bonus features on my DVDs (God, I remember when that was such a novelty), chatting with my buddies I couldn't spend much time with due to my injury, downloading music (Yeah, old school Napster junk...my how times have changed), and surfing the internet. My little cousin would come over occasionally (and sometimes would have to get off the bus at my house), and we'd make stupid little home movies to entertain ourselves. But I digress on that part, that's a topic for another blog. It was the surfing the 'Net that was the biggest thing of this time.
On Saturday, April 14th, instead of going to the club as I usually would, I wound up surfing the 'Net (why do I keep beating the dead horse?). I wandered randomly onto a Penpal site that I had an account on, just hadn't put it to use at all. Well, I had a long time ago, but got zero serious responses (as in, those that responded e-mailed me once, but never responded to my replies, or I just couldn't connect with them in any way). But I was bored, and my regular plans were blown due to some idiot on a cell phone in a Ford F350. So I decided I'd pop into this site, and just look around, and see if there was anyone I might want to talk to. That's when I found her.
Her, being Hyunsil. She was just this girl from South Korea. Her's was probably the 5th or 6th profile I had read that night. And she seemed interesting. And she looked pretty from her picture. But, I figured I had no chance. That she would probably never respond to my e-mails. I swore to God that it was pointless to even try to e-mail her. I did anyway.
I don't even know why. Usually, when I get these hairs that I have no hope in a situation, I just give up, or never even attempt anything at all. But, I just decided I'd give it a shot. She's halfway around the world; if I never get anything back from her, I'll never have to see her at all to remind myself of my failure. So, why not?
I just sent a quick e-mail introducing myself, commenting on her profile, and told her I hoped that we would get to talk soon. About 10 minutes later, I disconnected, went, and watch a movie. Never gave it a second thought.
The next afternoon, I got online, checked my e-mail, not expecting anything out of the ordinary. Probably just random crap from my friends, and junk mail. Big whoop. But I was shocked! She replied! I never expected a thing, but she gave me a reply! So of course, I kept e-mailing, not expecting anything back to any of them, but she just kept responding to me. I was shocked. I actually found someone online to talk to, that actually kept up his/her end of the responses. Little did I know what this would turn into.
I mean, it didn't really turn into this huge friendship really quickly. I mean, I wound up getting her physical address, as she had asked mine (because she wanted to send me brochures from some trip she went on). And then one day she decided she shouldn't get online much, and that we should just send regular mail to each other. That sucked for me. I think letters are much more personal, and like that. However, the thing I despise about it is that you actually have to WRITE them. I get lazy, or really busy, and writing letters becomes a hassle. So, over this time (from about late 2001, to about early 2003), our communications were sparse. But they were still existant. It would just take a few months for anything to actually happen (which was my fault, she was usually quick to respond to my letters).
Fast forward to March 2003. I hadn't written her since August of 2002. Yeah, I'm really lazy. But, in my defense, I had become busy with school, and then, got really busy with my first band. When I was at home, I was kind of depressed, and just spent my time playing bass, writing, or playing video games. But something just struck me, and I began to think, "I wonder how Hyunsil's doing. Maybe I should write her." Seemed like the thing to do. This was at the time when I was finally breaking out of my depression, and I had just gotten out of the hospital after literally almost dying (read my blog that I dedicated to Rick Girt in 2004), so I had a new lease on life. I couldn't share much of that, as things were financially bad at home, so we had no phone, no internet (duh, no phone), no cable, so pretty much, if it wasn't coming from my bass, my radio, or my PS2, I had no enterainment. So it was definitely a time where I could focus on writing a letter without getting too occupied.
So I wrote her, not expecting a thing back. I mean, I hadn't wrote to her in 7 months, why would she even bother with someone that wrote so sporadically? By the grace of God, though, she did reply. And she was absolutely happy that I wrote her, and had become afraid I had forgotten her. With my new positivity and lease on life, I wrote back as quickly as possible, and we discussed a lot of stuff, and caught up very quickly. And she started trying to teach me Korean. She also sent me things that I treasure to this day: two Korean coins. One was only worth a penny, and one only worth a dime, but who cares? That was pretty nice. I lost the penny piece a few months ago sadly, but still keep the dime with me wherever I go (in fact, I was using one as a card topper when I played poker, which will become absolutely ironic as we delve further).
So, time wore on this year, and we kept talking and talking. Then something really funny happened. I'm going into a huge amount of detail right now, but I feel like it. I may one day forget all of this, and I don't want to.
At church, we (the youth group) started praying for each of us to have a nation on our hearts. So needless to say, I was expecting a sign to come. And it came, or so I think.
Maybe it was just about a week or so after we started this, I don't remember. But anyway, Mom, my cousin and her husband, and myself, went to Wal-Mart in Evansville after dinner one night, because they needed to get some stuff. So, I did my usual, and veered off to electronics. I was looking at video games, then went to look at CD's, and something unusual caught my attention around the TVs. Something didn't sound quite right. It sounded like a foreign language or something. So I walked back there, and saw a bunch of Asians on the screen, and...is it? It is! That's KOREAN text on the screen. And I could figure out that it was Korean being spoken.
Now, I know that satellites can get Asian channels. But this was just absolutely bizarre (more so by the fact of what I had been praying for). Usually in Wal-Mart, you see that lame Wal-Mart channel trying to sell you junk at their store. But not this time. This was a Korean TV station being played at Wal-Mart.
I kind of brushed it off as it may have been a sign, it may not be. We'll just see what happens. Not 24 hours later, I was channel surfing at home (Cable was back), and saw a commercial. It was a commercial for the Korean National Travel Organization's website. This wasn't even the Travel Channel folks. And I have NEVER seen another commercial for it since. Nor had I ever seen one before this at all.
Yeah, I assumed. It was a sign. So I started to think ahead to what may end up being me going over there.
So one night, I was talking to Hyunsil on MSN, and just dropped the possibility of me coming over there sometime. She was ECSTATIC. So she started really hammering on me, trying to help me learn Korean, sending me Korean music, and all sorts of stuff pertaining to my coming over there.
Well, then my computer completely went bust at home. So, once college started, when I wasn't in class or in BASIC, I was in the library on the internet. Kind of geeky, but I hadn't met anyone there that I didn't already hang out with that I wanted to get to know. Several of these people were just horrible people, but again, I digress. But, so many times that I would get online, she would be on.
Needless to say, we began talking a lot. And we got to know each other very well. And it began to blossom into one of the best friendships I have ever had. Ever. Even though we have never met.
I mean, from August of 2003, pretty much every weekday, I had a conversation with her. I would help her with her English, she'd help me with my Korean. We'd discuss so much stuff it was funny. But like I said above, I had no clue what this would turn into. Because in February of 2004, I felt myself falling for this girl. Seriously. I kept it hidden from all but one person (including her, she had no clue for a long time), and swore him to secrecy.
I mean, it just made no sense. How could I be falling for some girl I have never met, never even talked to on the phone? I mean, the only way I really knew she was a girl and from Korea was the hundreds upon hundreds of pictures she sent me. But even those could fake. But I had a feeling that that wasn't the case. Just didn't seem too plausible.
Plus, I was quite frankly scared to admit it. Not so much the fact that I had fallen in love with someone over the internet; you can take the ribbing from that, or even fake the way you met if you were still nervous about admitting that. I was scared to admit that I had fallen for an Asian woman.
It wasn't that I thought that there was anything wrong with it. I didn't. My mother had raised me not to have anything wrong with it. And I didn't. If I had problems about socializing with people that wasn't white, I would've never e-mailed her. My problem was with the reaction of others.
People I hang with now have no problem with it. I mean, people who live in Indianapolis, for the most part at least, see this as an almost nonissue now. Southern Illinois, however, is a whole other animal. If you see someone that isn't white in the area I was from, it was like hitting the lottery. And those people would be stared at. Two people that I used to hang out with in high school were actual card carrying members of the KKK. Yeah, I am ashamed to admit that I'm friends with Klan members.
They actually, as a prank, drove around the square in town, and pulled up to the one black girl in our high school wearing their cloaks. Supposedly, she was traumatized, as expected. I heard this, and just sighed. I never said anything, but I just wanted to smack them for this one. They constantly used "nigger" to describe blacks in the media. So, to be frank, Southern Illinois isn't what you would call racially friendly.
So my mind raced through the thoughts of, "What if they knew I was falling for an Asian?" It just scared me to death what the consequences would be of even uttering that.
So it became not me who decided that is was something to be ashamed about, but outside influences that decided it was something to be ashamed about.
In late April of that year, I finally fessed up to her. And, in May, I talked to her on the phone for the first time ever, and was floored. But still, I kept this on the down-low, because I knew what would be said, and was scared to hear it, only telling a few friends what had transpired, and they (more accepting) were not surprised.
Well, then she went to Egypt for a year to study, and could hardly get online again. So I was back to having to write letters. Once again, I was swamped with music, then back to school, then became utterly depressed again. And once again, our conversations became a lot more sporadic. Not as bad as it had been, but it was not as frequent as it was through my first year of school.
But, once she returned to Korea, it was much more frequent. I finally became less concerned about the reactions of other people, and more concerned about what would happen between us. I wanted us to remain the best of friends, but I still wanted more.
Finally, in December of last year, I broke down and told her everything I felt. I told her I tried to hide it, and pretend it was nothing. But I couldn't. I wanted something more than what we had right then. I wanted my chance to be hers.
She then admitted that she had feelings for me, But she didn't want to act on them until we were able to meet. That was understandable. It's definitely feasible that we could be best friends online, but not get along in person. I don't think that will happen, but it's still feasible. So whatever was supposed to happen, would have to wait until the day that either I made it to Korea, or she made it here. But no matter what, we decided we would go on a date the first time we met. We had to see what was supposed to happen.
Then the utmost traumatic week I've ever experienced with her happened in January.
As everyone knows, I was playing poker seriously. I mean seriously. I lived and breathed the game. I was learning the game, becoming better, and was a winning player. So remember that irony? Yeah, you probably guessed it when I brought it up the first time.
Hyunsil despises poker. She knows it's addictive, and knows someone goes home broke playing it at times. That's all she really knows. And I knew she didn't like the game. We had this discussion once before, but I never came out to admit that I had started playing poker for a living. It wasn't that I had lied to her about what I was doing. I had just omitted it. To me it was a non-issue that we would bring up later, and that I would hopefully have enough of a bankroll built up just from playing freerolls and building that free money up to prove to her that it was a game of skill. So for it to happen in January was unexpected.
I had my occupation on several profiles that my occupation was Poker Player. Never thought anything about it. Then, she signed up to one of those sites, and saw it. And she left me a message on that site, and showed me her distate and disdain for what my occupation was. And that was it.
I began to think she wasn't ever going to talk to me again. I was getting worried as the days passed without her talking to me. One day. Two days. Three Days. Four days. Five Days. This was uncommon, and I seriously became worried she was never going to talk to me again.
Then, she signed on to MSN. And we started talking. And the first topic of discussion was my poker playing. I tried to explain everything to her. I talked until I was blue in the face, but she didn't like it at all. So, I asked her what she wanted me to do. Could I prove it to her that it wasn't just luck or what?
She then told me she wanted to quit playing poker. I almost knew that it would come to this. But I hadn't prepared for this decision at all. I figured I'd eventually be able to get her to understand. But it had all come to this.
To me, it was the biggest decision of my life. I had to think things through rationally.
Amazingly, the decision only took 2 minutes.
It was that moment that I quit poker. Hyunsil meant more to me than the game. Friends, lovers, whatever. 5 year together, I did not want to risk letting her go. And if that meant giving up poker, then so be it.
I haven't second guessed this decision at all. It's tough, yes, but I'm happy that I made it.
And now, I'm projected to go see her in April. When I started writing this blog, I couldn't remember the date of the car wreck, but I called Mom, and then thought about the chain events. And the amazing coincidence is that the day that I'm supposed to arrive in Seoul is the exact day (to the day) that I first saw her profile and e-mailed her. Absolutely amazing.
As it stands, I will be staying there a month. So I will get to be there to celebrate her 22nd birthday in May.
Of course, without poker, and factoring in some expenses that have come in, I'm short the money to get there. Fortunately, I have several chances to get a job now, starting with Meijer in Noblesville. Probably even full time, which will put me at way over the amount I need to get there. And, I should be there long enough for them to be able to let me off to go there. So here's hoping.
So, what has passed my time since giving up poker? I have really started to play music again. I've picked up both the acoustic and the bass (and have been air drumming, which sounds lame, but I've really started to be able to carry rhythm in drums now), and started playing again. I'm learning a lot of songs, some that I never thought I would learned. But that's about it. No band. With what's coming up, it's impractical to start something up that I'll have to put on hold for a month.
I've actually considered going to an open-mic at a comedy club and performing. I just got this wild hair in me when Jake & I got free tickets to see Brett Butler play a comedy club, and found out they have an amateur night. Would probably never do it again, but it just seems like an experience that I would like to try before I die. And everyone says my sense of humor is one of my biggest traits, so why not share that? It'd be interesting to experience.
I just started working out again. I had realized I really need to anyway. I mean, I take ONE STEP on a DDR machine and about pass out. I'm not getting fat, just out of shape. And that can lead to that. But I wasn't motivated to do so.
When I found out I have a shot to come to Korea to see Hyunsil, I felt that was motivation enough. I mean, she has told me that outward appearance isn't very important to her. But still. I'd hate to get there and be completely out of shape, and possibly getting fat. I mean, I want to at least show some pride in myself, and look decent when she meets me. I don't know how that will be possible, as the first time she will ever see me in person, I would look like total poop after the 18 hour flight there trying not to sleep (as it will be about 9-10 PM Korean time when I arrive). But I figure working out won't be too bad.
First day I did it, I knew I was lazy. I didn't know I was this lazy. Here was the totals:
3 Chin-ups
10 Crunches
10 Push-ups
That's it. That's all I could do. I need to start running too, but it's too friggin cold to do here! Well, the next morning, I woke up, and could barely move. That's embarrassing. I do less of a workout than I did in PE in high school (which was very little to begin with), and I'm sore. My abs hurt. My arms hurt. My legs hurt. If I moved, I hurt, I guarantee you.
It took everything I had the next day to even EMULATE the results I put up the first day. And, of course, I'm so melodramatic that everyone thought I had cut my leg off because I was groaning so loud with pain with every repitition.
It's gotten easier. But I'm still sore. The numbers I put up yesterday:
6 chin-ups
30 crunches
20 push-ups
10 one-armed push-ups each arm (THAT was a treat. First one I did, I felt my back pop like never before. I collapsed on the ground, screamed, and then went "Ahhhhhhh." Funny junk)
I'll factor in more stuff as I go, and relearn this stuff. What I need to focus on is my upper body, which has always been shoddy. Trust me people. It was talk of the locker room in high school. I would have tone rest of my body. You could see my ribs, individually. Yes, I eat (a lot). No I don't throw it back up. People would actually offer to buy me lunch because they were concerned. And others would crack jokes. And I've always been self conscious about my chest for this reason. It looks awful.
Laying flat on my back, you will actually see a dip from my rib cage to my abdoment. It's quite offsetting. It looks like one of those annorexic runway models. Gross.
So, I want to get that taken care of. I don't know exactly what exercises to do to tone that part of the body. So anyone with info, please let me know. Otherwise I'll be Googling it.
Don't suggest weightlifting. I've been down that road. I haven't lifted in 5 years (since whiplash incident, man that factors into so much of my life), so I would spend two months just trying to get HALFWAY to where I was. When I WAS lifting, I saw no difference in the shape of my chest. As in, you could still see my ribcage the same as now, the same as in 2003 when the jokes were made.
Also, I'm too focused on saving money for Korea to pay for a gym membership where I would get discouraged seeing all those hard bodies and just quit going. And I don't want to buy a weight set just to try to get back to where I was before I quit lifting, and not offset my problem.
I'm not asking for, or expecting a quick solution. Just something that has a possibility of showing noticeable improvement before April. I could even post pics of my upper body unclothed, just so you can see what I'm talking about. Maybe on Rotten.com. Just kidding.
Well, that's about it. And this is the megablog, absolutely the longest blog I've ever written. And now you know everything.
Friday, January 20, 2006
My life has become uber-confusing...
Yeah, long time no post in all fairness. I was on a regular schedule?
What can I say, life caught up with me. I'll give you a little bit of Filler Time of what's happening...I'll sit down and write a megablog soon about what the crap's going on, when I can concentrate on one thing for more than 15 seconds. Here goes:
What can I say, life caught up with me. I'll give you a little bit of Filler Time of what's happening...I'll sit down and write a megablog soon about what the crap's going on, when I can concentrate on one thing for more than 15 seconds. Here goes:
- I quit poker.
- I'm playing/writing music again
- Artsy crap's going good too
- Women are confusing
- I finally told everyone at Linksys off
- I'm going to start job hunting
- My pies suck
- Supposedly, I'm still a stalker
Monday, January 09, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
I officially love screwing up on the Internet
So I was trying to go to a website that started in sta, and had typed in www.sta and accidentally hit enter.
So I was about to correct it, and then a funny thing happened. A Student/Youth travel site opened up: STA Travel. This site's purpose is to allow Students and Youth to have cheaper airfare than normal to get to places.
Well, I'm not a student anymore, but I'm certainly a youth. So, I decided to get it a shot.
And sure enough, they aren't lying. A plane ticket from Indianapolis to Seoul costs about $100 less than it does anywhere I've ever looked it up, even direct from the airlines.
Top that! Now, I know where I'm booking.
So I was about to correct it, and then a funny thing happened. A Student/Youth travel site opened up: STA Travel. This site's purpose is to allow Students and Youth to have cheaper airfare than normal to get to places.
Well, I'm not a student anymore, but I'm certainly a youth. So, I decided to get it a shot.
And sure enough, they aren't lying. A plane ticket from Indianapolis to Seoul costs about $100 less than it does anywhere I've ever looked it up, even direct from the airlines.
Top that! Now, I know where I'm booking.
Just when you think this card's been worn out...
People can truly amaze me.
So one day, I decided to wear my Red Wings jersey to church. It's hockey. No one cares!
Was I ever so wrong.
The instant I got in the doors, I got bombarded by a guy who was a total Red Wings nut. We got to talk jerseys and stuff, but since church was just getting ready to start, I had to get in and sit down. So that was it.
Well, next week, he recognized me quickly, and we immediately started talking about Jiri Fischer, and the hopes that Steve Yzerman will hoist the cup during what will most likely be his last season. I mean, it was totally the same wavelength.
And I'm not used to that. Where I'm from, hockey is completely a touchy subject. Either no one knows what you're talking about, or they're St. Louis Blues fans. So for me to be a Red Wings fan in an area that knows jack about hockey except that they will blindly put their faith into "the local team" is not a fun situation.
So, this was totally amazing.
So pretty much it's wound up every week us talking hockey. Just what's going on in the league, injury reports, me getting scores from him. I mean, I don't get OLN or FSN, and we didn't order NHL Center Ice, so the most hockey I get is the times when I'm not busy or the speakers on the PC are working so I can listen to NHL Radio and hear the Wings games.
Which, is why I always get the scores from Mike. I had told him the situation, so he gets to talk passionately about hockey, I get to chime in with what I know and my opinions on the goings on, and we just have great talks.
Well, this week at church was one that shocked me.
So, routinely, I go over to Mike to talk hockey again. Great times. Well, he then lets me know that he tapes all the games so he can do a sort of video collage of the highlights of the season every year, and knew that I couldn't see the games until NBC starts picking up the coverage. So, he decided to start handing off the tapes to me to watch the games, and then just let me hand them back at church the next week, in exchange for more tapes. And this starts today, he had two games on tape for me to watch this week!
Wow, this was out of the blue. And I'm certainly thankful. This is certainly something I've missed.
And just when you think that just going out of your way to do something nice for people is completely a taboo thought, something like this happens to remind you that it's not so taboo after all.
So this is definitely going to be fun.
Well, today's agenda, is to watch one of the games on the tape tonight. Wow, I've really missed WATCHING hockey. On top of that, gonna play some Limit Hold'Em later tonight (you can check the results of that effort on my Poker Blog later), and try to bonus clear. Plus, I'm going to start work on a epic writing project that has been in my mind for a couple of weeks. It really stuck out at me as I was sitting in TGI Friday's last night to do, so I must do it. What is it? That, I can't say yet. It's kind of personal to me right now. And it may never get displayed to the general public. Now if it does, I'll let you guys know, and you'll understand why this was of importance for me to write.
If not, then I wrote that above just to remind myself to get on it.
Also, on a side note, come to think about it: This is not the first time that the clothes I have worn to church has brought about great friendships. In '01, I wore a Stavesacre shirt to church, and wound up inadvertantly getting a conversation struck up with some dude who LOVED Stavesacre. We kept talking, and wound up finding out that we had way too many common musical grounds.
Those common grounds, and good musicianship, led me and Jason Barr to start Stick Shift, which in turn allowed him and Mitch Mayberry to start Right-Hand Man.
So one day, I decided to wear my Red Wings jersey to church. It's hockey. No one cares!
Was I ever so wrong.
The instant I got in the doors, I got bombarded by a guy who was a total Red Wings nut. We got to talk jerseys and stuff, but since church was just getting ready to start, I had to get in and sit down. So that was it.
Well, next week, he recognized me quickly, and we immediately started talking about Jiri Fischer, and the hopes that Steve Yzerman will hoist the cup during what will most likely be his last season. I mean, it was totally the same wavelength.
And I'm not used to that. Where I'm from, hockey is completely a touchy subject. Either no one knows what you're talking about, or they're St. Louis Blues fans. So for me to be a Red Wings fan in an area that knows jack about hockey except that they will blindly put their faith into "the local team" is not a fun situation.
So, this was totally amazing.
So pretty much it's wound up every week us talking hockey. Just what's going on in the league, injury reports, me getting scores from him. I mean, I don't get OLN or FSN, and we didn't order NHL Center Ice, so the most hockey I get is the times when I'm not busy or the speakers on the PC are working so I can listen to NHL Radio and hear the Wings games.
Which, is why I always get the scores from Mike. I had told him the situation, so he gets to talk passionately about hockey, I get to chime in with what I know and my opinions on the goings on, and we just have great talks.
Well, this week at church was one that shocked me.
So, routinely, I go over to Mike to talk hockey again. Great times. Well, he then lets me know that he tapes all the games so he can do a sort of video collage of the highlights of the season every year, and knew that I couldn't see the games until NBC starts picking up the coverage. So, he decided to start handing off the tapes to me to watch the games, and then just let me hand them back at church the next week, in exchange for more tapes. And this starts today, he had two games on tape for me to watch this week!
Wow, this was out of the blue. And I'm certainly thankful. This is certainly something I've missed.
And just when you think that just going out of your way to do something nice for people is completely a taboo thought, something like this happens to remind you that it's not so taboo after all.
So this is definitely going to be fun.
Well, today's agenda, is to watch one of the games on the tape tonight. Wow, I've really missed WATCHING hockey. On top of that, gonna play some Limit Hold'Em later tonight (you can check the results of that effort on my Poker Blog later), and try to bonus clear. Plus, I'm going to start work on a epic writing project that has been in my mind for a couple of weeks. It really stuck out at me as I was sitting in TGI Friday's last night to do, so I must do it. What is it? That, I can't say yet. It's kind of personal to me right now. And it may never get displayed to the general public. Now if it does, I'll let you guys know, and you'll understand why this was of importance for me to write.
If not, then I wrote that above just to remind myself to get on it.
Also, on a side note, come to think about it: This is not the first time that the clothes I have worn to church has brought about great friendships. In '01, I wore a Stavesacre shirt to church, and wound up inadvertantly getting a conversation struck up with some dude who LOVED Stavesacre. We kept talking, and wound up finding out that we had way too many common musical grounds.
Those common grounds, and good musicianship, led me and Jason Barr to start Stick Shift, which in turn allowed him and Mitch Mayberry to start Right-Hand Man.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Prop bets are fun...
So Jake bet me $5 bucks that I wouldn't be able to beat the first part of the final level of Mega Man 8. For those of you who don't know, it's where you're sliding on this sled at a rapid rate, and have to use Mega Man's jumps and slides and time them correctly in order to get through it.
Needless to say, Jake had been trying for days to beat it, and failed miserably, and couldn't believe anyone could do it.
In the car home from getting lunch today, we were talking about it, and I said, "No sweat." So he says, "5 bucks says you can't."
Don't bet against a betting man who wins.
Well, I underestimated that level. It was tougher than I expected. I mean, this thing gives you a split second reaction time between obstacles. And I saw where Jake was having problems, but quickly found the solution to it.
After that, it was all about figuring out the timing.
Easiest five bucks I've ever made.
Needless to say, Jake had been trying for days to beat it, and failed miserably, and couldn't believe anyone could do it.
In the car home from getting lunch today, we were talking about it, and I said, "No sweat." So he says, "5 bucks says you can't."
Don't bet against a betting man who wins.
Well, I underestimated that level. It was tougher than I expected. I mean, this thing gives you a split second reaction time between obstacles. And I saw where Jake was having problems, but quickly found the solution to it.
After that, it was all about figuring out the timing.
Easiest five bucks I've ever made.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
I own a piece of music history
In 2001, the year after I first discovered P.O.D., I started picking up whatever P.O.D. merch I could find. That started with Fundamental Elements of Southtown, continued with the soundtracks they appeared on, and continued on through the old Rescue Records CD they released, and straight on through to the singles that was sent to radio stations (Funnily enough, everyone of them says "Not For Resale" on the CD).
This was the last piece I collected, barring the latest CDs. I got this in May of 2001 off eBay. I was sitting in class, surfing the net after I got done with my work, and I ran across The Warriors EP on eBay. Now, to go into a P.O.D. history lesson for you guys, this was released just before their Atlantic debut, and only a few thousand were made. And I found this on eBay for $5: $3 less than the retail value. Now, the auction had a buy-it-now option, with 3 days left in the auction, and the buy-it-now option was reserved to credit card bidders. Now, I'm 16, and my mom wasn't going to consent for a credit card for me, but I wanted this CD so bad, and knew that if I bid, I would get outbid. I had the money too. And then a brainstorm hit me.
Me and the teacher whose class I was in was always really cool. We could discuss all types of crap, and just kick back and have some fun in class. I mean, he had an old-school Nintendo in the room, for crying out loud. This guy was awesome.
So I went over to his desk and asked him if he would come over to the PC for a second. When we got over there, I explained the situation to him, and told him I was good for it, and if he'd buy this CD for me with his credit card, I'd instantly pay him back. Without even another thought, he sat at that PC, and bought it.
One week later, the CD came, and it instantly became a priceless treasure.
Just now, I was looking on Amazon, and pre-ordering P.O.D.'s newest CD, Testify, and ran across The Warriors EP, which I knew would not be sold new there, but used, so I looked at the prices to see how much they were going for.
My jaw dropped through the floor, and into the basement. There were three copies available, with the cheapest one going for NINETY-ONE DOLLARS! I was flipping out! In 5 years, this CD's value has increased by $86, at least. The other two were selling this for $100+!
I love this CD, and in my opinion, it has the best versions of the songs that were featured on Snuff the Punk & Brown, but wow. NEVER when I bought this CD in 2001 would I have expected to go sniffing around the internet 5 years later and see the price for it soaring that high!
Not that I'll ever sell it. It's priceless to me, and always will. I just found that interesting.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Not exactly the best wording one could use...
Click the image to enlarge.
Well, hopefully you're as fast as I am and figured out what I'm talking about here.
I know for a fact he means an eraser (since I actually know more than modern slang), but I know 70% of today's population are going to think of something else...which is what I thought for the first 10 seconds after reading that.
Happy New Year!
Nothing really impressive to say, but I just wanted to wish everyone a very Happy New Year.
To breaking the resolutions (I'm hoping that I manage to keep mine for the second year in a row), and the Ice Cream & stupid that will come this year, I hope 2006 brings everyone some fun times and some unforgettable experiences.
My resolutions:
Oh, and just as a present to everyone:
And just so you know, you can see all of these very gravy comics at Josh in the Ghetto (see the right, genius!).
To breaking the resolutions (I'm hoping that I manage to keep mine for the second year in a row), and the Ice Cream & stupid that will come this year, I hope 2006 brings everyone some fun times and some unforgettable experiences.
My resolutions:
- Manage to update Josh in the Ghetto without delays.
- Make it to the WSOP this year.
- Get in a band, and stay there.
- Play a Raw Deal qualifier.
- Don't get called a "Nigga" during Black History Month.
- Get to Korea (the one I really want to keep).
- Speak my mind instead of bottling everything up (Did it!)
- Learn how to play Omaha Hi/Lo with some success (Took me up until Christmas, but I did it)
Oh, and just as a present to everyone:
And just so you know, you can see all of these very gravy comics at Josh in the Ghetto (see the right, genius!).
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Stupid things I did when my head was up my butt...
Circumstances got me thinking about my last band, Active Hero. I remember in my mind thinking that the band was out against me, and they just wanted me out of the band. Well, part of that may be true, but upon scrutiny, I completely understand why.
I may not be able to fully explain away everything, but I turned into one of the biggest butts I know when Active Hero was formed. And I know where some of it came from: my ego.
I got absolutely egotistical. And it was all because I was a great bass player. I'm not trying to boast when I say that, because I'm by no means anywhere near there anymore. But I had been playing for a decent time now, and it become one of the only things I did. So, during jams and after concerts, people would come up to me and tell me that I was great. And used to (in '03, during the Stick Shift period), I would just say thanks and that's it. Nothing. Come '04 (Active Hero era), I would be humble and deny it, but deep down inside I was thinking, "Yeah, that's right!" It was my ego brooding. After Stick Shift broke up and Shaun Hernandez, Kyle Rogers, and I were trying to get Draumatikpauz going, I was going to sing. But Shaun kept telling me to go back to bass, because that was where I truly shined. Shaun was saying what he was supposed to say, it wasn't meant for these intentions, but all it did was fuel my ego.
And I won't sit here and lie and say I wasn't a good bassist. Because I was. But I made myself out to be a better bassist than I really was. And that made me feel like I had a certain "Superstar Quality" over everyone else. And that's the worst disposition you can ever have in anything. I mean, here's some stuff that I would normally not do, yet was what I was doing in Active Hero:
1. Tell whoever was taking photographs at the show to make sure to get great pics of me. I would even go so far as to tell them what poses I wanted in the pics, and would show them signals I would give for them to take the picture.
2. If I could hear enough of any instrument that my bass started to blend in, I would get pissed and demand that the bass be turned up. This would in turn drown out all other instruments, and they would get pissed and tell me turn down the bass, which would make me even more pissed. Then I would argue with my bandmates until they gave into my demand to keep the bass up. I have a recording where the only things you can hear are the vocals and the bass. Sick, and not in a good way.
3. I would pack four changes of clothes: one for the ride to the show, one for the acoustic worship set, one for the rock set, and one for the ride home. That's right! I got so cocky, that I had to have costume changes!
4. I tried to write parts in the song on all the other instruments in the band, which I had zero expertise in, and then would get angry at everyone when they would not use my parts which I had no right to suggest in the first place.
5. The bandmates have no clue that I did this, but I wrote a list of pros and cons for each member of the band, including myself (I think the sole reason I included myself was to not look like I was griping about everyone else). I wrote a ton of pros about myself and a few cons. Then I wrote a few pros about everyone else, and a bunch of cons. I was actually going to present this list at the next band practice. Thankfully, there were no more for me, because I would've hate to have seen how this would've went over now.
6. Shows were not going to be played unless they were on my terms. Some of these terms included that there was not to be more worship than there was rock. If there was, I would threaten to boycott the show until they cut some worship songs out. If I felt rushed (as in, there was no time to set up my THREE basses, amp, fiddle with my tone for 30 minutes, sign autographs, and change clothes) between different shows, I would not play. This was actually the reason I left the band. And if I hadn't quit, I wouldn't have been surprised if I was thrown out. See, we were slated to play one show at 1 PM. Then we were to tear down (as in, the band tearing down the heavy stuff, and me tearing down my stuff, changing clothes, and taking whatever light stuff and loading it up), and play a show an hour and half away at 7 PM. In my mind, this just wasn't acceptable. This caused a major argument between me and Phil, one of our lead singers, who had been one of my best friends for years. We wound up not speaking to each other for forever. Two days after this argument, I told them I was leaving the band, but would play with them on the last two shows. Well, come later, I fell back on my word, and told them I would only play the last one, because it was closer to home and I was strapped for gas money, and the fact that I still felt playing that first show then migrating to the other was simply unacceptable. This caused a huge argument with the drummer, who told me that I might as well not show up to play at all. He actually got so mad at me that he threatened to throw my amp out into the middle of his front yard, and let the weather destroy it.
I did show up at the last show, partly because I wanted to see the other bands, partly cause I wanted to hang with friends, but mostly cause I wanted to heckle Active Hero and show my butt some more.
I really did some stupid stuff. But, after trying to start new bands, and failing, because so many people had heard the horror stories of working with me, I gave up. I got served a dish of humility that I needed. And it took me a long time to eat it. I would not give up my ego that I was the greatest bassist in the area. And it burned me more and more that I could not get in a band, and screwed me up so much inside that it still hurts.
I write this not only to remind myself of my mistakes so that I don't repeat them, but to also warn aspiring musicians of the pitfalls of playing and getting recognition for your abilities. Do not go down this road. It may feel good, but it will get you nowhere except for where I went. And in reality, during that whole time, I was more miserable than I'd ever been in my life. I put too much faith in my abilities and myself that I lost sight of God and anything else that mattered. Then you know, God silenced that gift for a while, and completely burned me out of playing. It was sad. Thankfully, my ego has diminished. And now my gift is returning. And hopefully, it won't need to be silenced once more.
To Bryce, Phil, Jeremy, & Aaron, if you guys ever read this: I apologize from the deepest spot in my heart. I expected the utmost respect from all of you because I had put myself on a pedestal in my mind, and I gave you a complete lack of disrespect at the same time. I pretended to be something I wasn't in the band: a born-again Christian preaching the good news, when in reality I was trying to preach how great I was. You guys deserved none of that. Moreover, I strained and made completely unrepairable damage to relationships that could have blossomed into a brotherhood. I'm truly amazed you guys put with me as long as you did.
If I could have the summer of 2004 to do over again, I would do it all differently. But I don't, and I'm thankful for the hard lessons I had to learn because of it. Because it has taught me so much of what not to do. I know I can never take back the hurt I caused, and I know none of us can ever forget what I have done to you guys, but I mean every word I just said. From the depths of my soul, I ask your forgiveness for the wrongs I committed.
That was a long time coming, and I needed to get it out.
I may not be able to fully explain away everything, but I turned into one of the biggest butts I know when Active Hero was formed. And I know where some of it came from: my ego.
I got absolutely egotistical. And it was all because I was a great bass player. I'm not trying to boast when I say that, because I'm by no means anywhere near there anymore. But I had been playing for a decent time now, and it become one of the only things I did. So, during jams and after concerts, people would come up to me and tell me that I was great. And used to (in '03, during the Stick Shift period), I would just say thanks and that's it. Nothing. Come '04 (Active Hero era), I would be humble and deny it, but deep down inside I was thinking, "Yeah, that's right!" It was my ego brooding. After Stick Shift broke up and Shaun Hernandez, Kyle Rogers, and I were trying to get Draumatikpauz going, I was going to sing. But Shaun kept telling me to go back to bass, because that was where I truly shined. Shaun was saying what he was supposed to say, it wasn't meant for these intentions, but all it did was fuel my ego.
And I won't sit here and lie and say I wasn't a good bassist. Because I was. But I made myself out to be a better bassist than I really was. And that made me feel like I had a certain "Superstar Quality" over everyone else. And that's the worst disposition you can ever have in anything. I mean, here's some stuff that I would normally not do, yet was what I was doing in Active Hero:
1. Tell whoever was taking photographs at the show to make sure to get great pics of me. I would even go so far as to tell them what poses I wanted in the pics, and would show them signals I would give for them to take the picture.
2. If I could hear enough of any instrument that my bass started to blend in, I would get pissed and demand that the bass be turned up. This would in turn drown out all other instruments, and they would get pissed and tell me turn down the bass, which would make me even more pissed. Then I would argue with my bandmates until they gave into my demand to keep the bass up. I have a recording where the only things you can hear are the vocals and the bass. Sick, and not in a good way.
3. I would pack four changes of clothes: one for the ride to the show, one for the acoustic worship set, one for the rock set, and one for the ride home. That's right! I got so cocky, that I had to have costume changes!
4. I tried to write parts in the song on all the other instruments in the band, which I had zero expertise in, and then would get angry at everyone when they would not use my parts which I had no right to suggest in the first place.
5. The bandmates have no clue that I did this, but I wrote a list of pros and cons for each member of the band, including myself (I think the sole reason I included myself was to not look like I was griping about everyone else). I wrote a ton of pros about myself and a few cons. Then I wrote a few pros about everyone else, and a bunch of cons. I was actually going to present this list at the next band practice. Thankfully, there were no more for me, because I would've hate to have seen how this would've went over now.
6. Shows were not going to be played unless they were on my terms. Some of these terms included that there was not to be more worship than there was rock. If there was, I would threaten to boycott the show until they cut some worship songs out. If I felt rushed (as in, there was no time to set up my THREE basses, amp, fiddle with my tone for 30 minutes, sign autographs, and change clothes) between different shows, I would not play. This was actually the reason I left the band. And if I hadn't quit, I wouldn't have been surprised if I was thrown out. See, we were slated to play one show at 1 PM. Then we were to tear down (as in, the band tearing down the heavy stuff, and me tearing down my stuff, changing clothes, and taking whatever light stuff and loading it up), and play a show an hour and half away at 7 PM. In my mind, this just wasn't acceptable. This caused a major argument between me and Phil, one of our lead singers, who had been one of my best friends for years. We wound up not speaking to each other for forever. Two days after this argument, I told them I was leaving the band, but would play with them on the last two shows. Well, come later, I fell back on my word, and told them I would only play the last one, because it was closer to home and I was strapped for gas money, and the fact that I still felt playing that first show then migrating to the other was simply unacceptable. This caused a huge argument with the drummer, who told me that I might as well not show up to play at all. He actually got so mad at me that he threatened to throw my amp out into the middle of his front yard, and let the weather destroy it.
I did show up at the last show, partly because I wanted to see the other bands, partly cause I wanted to hang with friends, but mostly cause I wanted to heckle Active Hero and show my butt some more.
I really did some stupid stuff. But, after trying to start new bands, and failing, because so many people had heard the horror stories of working with me, I gave up. I got served a dish of humility that I needed. And it took me a long time to eat it. I would not give up my ego that I was the greatest bassist in the area. And it burned me more and more that I could not get in a band, and screwed me up so much inside that it still hurts.
I write this not only to remind myself of my mistakes so that I don't repeat them, but to also warn aspiring musicians of the pitfalls of playing and getting recognition for your abilities. Do not go down this road. It may feel good, but it will get you nowhere except for where I went. And in reality, during that whole time, I was more miserable than I'd ever been in my life. I put too much faith in my abilities and myself that I lost sight of God and anything else that mattered. Then you know, God silenced that gift for a while, and completely burned me out of playing. It was sad. Thankfully, my ego has diminished. And now my gift is returning. And hopefully, it won't need to be silenced once more.
To Bryce, Phil, Jeremy, & Aaron, if you guys ever read this: I apologize from the deepest spot in my heart. I expected the utmost respect from all of you because I had put myself on a pedestal in my mind, and I gave you a complete lack of disrespect at the same time. I pretended to be something I wasn't in the band: a born-again Christian preaching the good news, when in reality I was trying to preach how great I was. You guys deserved none of that. Moreover, I strained and made completely unrepairable damage to relationships that could have blossomed into a brotherhood. I'm truly amazed you guys put with me as long as you did.
If I could have the summer of 2004 to do over again, I would do it all differently. But I don't, and I'm thankful for the hard lessons I had to learn because of it. Because it has taught me so much of what not to do. I know I can never take back the hurt I caused, and I know none of us can ever forget what I have done to you guys, but I mean every word I just said. From the depths of my soul, I ask your forgiveness for the wrongs I committed.
That was a long time coming, and I needed to get it out.
Friday, December 30, 2005
And I'm not even racist...
But seriously, if I have to talk to another Eastern Indian on a tech support line again, one of us is going to die. And considering I'm about 5,000,000,000 miles away from them, it looks like I'm the best bet.
I swear to God, this is just ridiculous. All these computer/technology companies are outsourcing all their tech supports to India, to "save money," AND THESE DOUCHEBAGS DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING! HOW IN GOD'S NAME DOES THAT SAVE YOU MONEY, WHEN PEOPLE HAVE TO GO BACK AND FORTH WITH THESE GUYS 1 MILLION TIMES BEFORE ANYTHING AT ALL WORKS?!?!?!
In my mind, wouldn't that LOSE money? Wouldn't people lose faith in your product, and stop buying them?
Well, obviously, they're paying these idiots wooden nickels, because they don't give a crap what they say, just as long as they can entangle you in their indian english doublespeak, and sound partially intelligible. Some don't even go for partially intelligible. They just babble on like rejects from the nut house, and you're just sitting trying not to lose your mind in the process.
Honestly, I just spent on the phone with a guy telling him, "Yes, my internet provider is SBC," for 10 minutes after he asked me what my ISP was, and I said, "SBC." Then I had confirm 5 times that I had done what he told me. Then if I said I had already done something, he would tell me to do it, only in different wording. Really clever. I would never understand that it's THE EXACT SAME PROCESS! No, I'm an absolute idiot, and you are the great destroyer god Shiva!
And clearly, Eastern Indians have no use for sleep! It does not matter what time I have to call tech support, they are always there trying to spread their incoherent and pointless technobabble.
Now, I'm in Live Chat (after connecting directly into the DSL modem), and this idiot is giving me the same runaround.
In fact, here's the transcript:
I swear to God, this is just ridiculous. All these computer/technology companies are outsourcing all their tech supports to India, to "save money," AND THESE DOUCHEBAGS DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING! HOW IN GOD'S NAME DOES THAT SAVE YOU MONEY, WHEN PEOPLE HAVE TO GO BACK AND FORTH WITH THESE GUYS 1 MILLION TIMES BEFORE ANYTHING AT ALL WORKS?!?!?!
In my mind, wouldn't that LOSE money? Wouldn't people lose faith in your product, and stop buying them?
Well, obviously, they're paying these idiots wooden nickels, because they don't give a crap what they say, just as long as they can entangle you in their indian english doublespeak, and sound partially intelligible. Some don't even go for partially intelligible. They just babble on like rejects from the nut house, and you're just sitting trying not to lose your mind in the process.
Honestly, I just spent on the phone with a guy telling him, "Yes, my internet provider is SBC," for 10 minutes after he asked me what my ISP was, and I said, "SBC." Then I had confirm 5 times that I had done what he told me. Then if I said I had already done something, he would tell me to do it, only in different wording. Really clever. I would never understand that it's THE EXACT SAME PROCESS! No, I'm an absolute idiot, and you are the great destroyer god Shiva!
And clearly, Eastern Indians have no use for sleep! It does not matter what time I have to call tech support, they are always there trying to spread their incoherent and pointless technobabble.
Now, I'm in Live Chat (after connecting directly into the DSL modem), and this idiot is giving me the same runaround.
In fact, here's the transcript:
Venkateswara (51143): Hi, my name is Venkateswara (51143). How may I help you?I swear to God, I'm not racist. Anyone who knows me knows that. And if I met an Eastern Indian, who was nice to me, I would be nice back. Who knows? We may end up being friends. But if I was to find out he/she worked in Technical Support for Linksys, Adelphia, SBC, or any other technical support I've ever had to call, I will kill him dead faster than it takes me to blink.
Venkateswara (51143): Hi Corey! How are you doing today?
Venkateswara (51143): Please explain me the issue you are experiencing with the Linksys product.
Corey: This is regarding case # 051230-000095, i am still having problems connecting to the internet via my router, my router is completely configured, but not working
Corey: i can however, connect via my dsl modem
Venkateswara (51143): Please give me a few moments to review the incident details.
Corey: ok
Venkateswara (51143): Thank you.
Venkateswara (51143): Thank you for your time and patience!
Venkateswara (51143): If I understood correctly, you are unable to go online through WRK54G. Is that correct?
Corey: correct
Venkateswara (51143): Ok. I'll try my level best to resolve the issue for you.
Venkateswara (51143): Before we begin, I need to ask a few questions that will help me assist you better.
Corey: ok
Venkateswara (51143): Could you please let me know the name of the modem, which you're using?
Corey: the dsl modem?
Venkateswara (51143): That's correct.
Corey: speedstream
Venkateswara (51143): Alright.
Venkateswara (51143): Are you chatting with me from a computer connected by an ethernet cable to the modem directly?
Corey: yeah
Venkateswara (51143): What version of Windows is currently being used on the computer? (for example, Windows 98, ME, 2000, XP, etc.)
Corey: XP
Venkateswara (51143): Please click on "Start", then click on "Run".
Venkateswara (51143): Type "Cmd" and hit enter.
Corey: ok
Venkateswara (51143): Are you in the black window?
Corey: yeah
Venkateswara (51143): In the black window, type "ipconfig/all" and hit enter.
Venkateswara (51143): Let me know the ip address and default gateway.
Corey: 70.225.132.179 for the IP, 70.225.132.178 for the gateway
Venkateswara (51143): Do you have any other ip address on that window?
Corey: nope
Venkateswara (51143): Alright.
Venkateswara (51143): Please try the instructions on the following link to configure your router.
URL Received: http://linksys.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/linksys.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=1040&p_created=1086911813&p_sid=kdmWRkYh&p_accessibility=0&p_lva=&p_sp=cF9zcmNoPTEmcF9zb3J0X2J5PSZwX2dyaWRzb3J0PSZwX3Jvd19jbnQ9MjgwJnBfcHJvZHM9MCZwX2NhdHM9JnBfcHY9JnBfY3Y9JnBfc2VhcmNoX3R5cGU9YW5zd2Vycy5zZWFyY2hfbmwmcF9zY2ZfbGFuZz0xJnBfcGFnZT0xJnBfc2VhcmNoX3RleHQ9Y2FibGUgbW9kZW0gd2l0aCBkeW5hbWljIGlw&p_li=&p_topview=1
Venkateswara (51143): Are you able to open the link, Corey?
Corey: no, pop-up blocker, resend
Venkateswara (51143): Sure, no problem. I will send you again.
Venkateswara (51143): Corey, here is the link.
URL Received: http://linksys.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/linksys.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=1040&p_created=1086911813&p_sid=kdmWRkYh&p_accessibility=0&p_lva=&p_sp=cF9zcmNoPTEmcF9zb3J0X2J5PSZwX2dyaWRzb3J0PSZwX3Jvd19jbnQ9MjgwJnBfcHJvZHM9MCZwX2NhdHM9JnBfcHY9JnBfY3Y9JnBfc2VhcmNoX3R5cGU9YW5zd2Vycy5zZWFyY2hfbmwmcF9zY2ZfbGFuZz0xJnBfcGFnZT0xJnBfc2VhcmNoX3RleHQ9Y2FibGUgbW9kZW0gd2l0aCBkeW5hbWljIGlw&p_li=&p_topview=1
Venkateswara (51143): Are you able to open the link, now?
Corey: yeah
Venkateswara (51143): Good.
Corey: i've already done all of this
Venkateswara (51143): Have you reset the router for 30 seconds before trying to configure the router?
Corey: yes
Venkateswara (51143): How many computers do you have in your network? How many among them would be wireless?
Corey: 3 on the network, 1 wirelessly
Corey: 2 of these run windows xp, one runs linux
Venkateswara (51143): Are you aware of the firmware version of your router?
Corey: not anymore
Venkateswara (51143): Ok.
Venkateswara (51143): Was your router working before
Venkateswara (51143): ?
Corey: Yes. The problem happened when my surge protector was accidentally turned off. I turned it back on. The router was configured correctly, as it was when it was working. The internet worked for 25 seconds, then stopped working through the router.
Venkateswara (51143): Corey, it is possible that the router might have got short circuited when the surge protector was turned off. However, you could try hard reset /reconfigure of the router.
Corey: I did
Venkateswara (51143): Have you hard reset the router for 90 seconds?
Corey: yes
Venkateswara (51143): Alright.
Venkateswara (51143): May I know, where you're located, please?
Corey: Indianapolis, Indiana
Venkateswara (51143): May I know the date of purchase of this router, please?
Corey: September 2005
Venkateswara (51143): Alright.
Venkateswara (51143): Could you please let me know the status of lights on your router?
Corey: Power, WLAN, and 1 & 2 are lighted
Venkateswara (51143): Alright.
Venkateswara (51143): Corey, since this issue requires more direct interaction, I suggest you to contact our Technical Support department (Voice) atl 1-800-326-7114 and an agent will happily assist you over the phone.
Corey: I've already been there, and they provided absolutely no help whatsoever!
Venkateswara (51143): Corey, since it is not possible to troubleshoot the issue as you're connected through the modem, May I suggest you to contact Technical Support department (Voice) and ask for level 2 support?
Venkateswara (51143): I am sure they should be able to assist you further.
Corey: What's the difference between level 2 support and what I'm on right now
Venkateswara (51143): Corey, we are from level 1 support. Level 2 support is over voice.
Venkateswara (51143): Level 2 would provide advance technical support.
Venkateswara (51143): Do you have any other questions regarding linksys products that I can help you with today?
Corey: Then I've already talked with level 2, and they have provided no advanced technical support, they pretty much told me the same things you did. So in all fairness, there is no difference between level 1 and level 2, it's just a cooler name!
Venkateswara (51143): Corey, I understand your concern.
Venkateswara (51143): May I know the model number of your speedstream modem, please?
Corey: 060-E142-A02
Venkateswara (51143): Since, it is not possible to troubleshoot this issue over chat, as the issue involves connection of modem through the router. I suggest you to contact linksys customer service at 1-800 546 5797 option 3,3 and 6, as you have already availed our technical voice support.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Absolute testicles!
Wow, now I'm completely bummed!
Most of the time, I don't mind learning songs by ear. It's a good thing to do.
But, there's plenty of times where I just don't feel like it, or I don't have the time. So, I would always go to www.mxtabs.net, because this was seriously THE SITE to pick up tabs. The best of the best.
Well, the keyword here is was:
I had just went to this site after not being there for two weeks, and just got forwarded to a CD REVIEW SITE! THE GREATEST TAB SITE IN THE WORLD HAS CONVERTED TO A CD REVIEW SITE?!
So now I have to google everything, and go through crap sites with crap tabs to find the one tab that works. That's gonna take, what, 2 hours to do? I could write 5 songs in that time.
So now, does anyone actually know of some good tab sites?
Challenge Match 2 vs. Jake "Phenominal 1" Knight: PL Omaha
6:13 PM: Play commences.
6:17 PM: Play is over in ONE HAND. Flop comes 657, and both push all-in on the flop. Hanguk shows 8h 9d 6d Ad for the nut straight, Phenominal 4s 8s Qc 7h for the 2nd nut straight. No improvement for Phenominal.
Moving to the 7 Card Stud challenge.
6:17 PM: Play is over in ONE HAND. Flop comes 657, and both push all-in on the flop. Hanguk shows 8h 9d 6d Ad for the nut straight, Phenominal 4s 8s Qc 7h for the 2nd nut straight. No improvement for Phenominal.
Moving to the 7 Card Stud challenge.
Challenge Match 1 vs. Jake "Phenominal 1" Knight: NL Hold'Em
Will post updates regularly...this is a live game, so don't try to find me playing this online.
5:13 PM: Match starts. Deep-stacked...5/10 starting blinds with 10,000 in chips. Going to be a long battle.
5:20 PM: HangukMiguk down to 3825 on a huge bluff with an open-ended straight draw on the board. Phenominal called with middle two pair. Phenominal had to make an emergency run to pick up someone, on break until further notice.
6:03 PM: Game resumes.
6:07 PM: Hanguk up to 4620.
6:08 PM: Phenominal 1 wins. Full house vs. Hanguk's flush draw.
Starting PL Omaha challenge.
5:13 PM: Match starts. Deep-stacked...5/10 starting blinds with 10,000 in chips. Going to be a long battle.
5:20 PM: HangukMiguk down to 3825 on a huge bluff with an open-ended straight draw on the board. Phenominal called with middle two pair. Phenominal had to make an emergency run to pick up someone, on break until further notice.
6:03 PM: Game resumes.
6:07 PM: Hanguk up to 4620.
6:08 PM: Phenominal 1 wins. Full house vs. Hanguk's flush draw.
Starting PL Omaha challenge.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Year In Review - 2005
Well, now, let's just say that this year was quite interesting. Interesting enough in fact, that I have, for the first time, decided to dedicate a blog about this year. So here we go. Put your tinfoil hats on.
January? Nothing happened January! Especially not...well, I won't go there! Needless to say, my nipples looked too much like milk duds to do anything in January.
However, February provided quite an amusing experience. I'll never be able to forget, nor will anyone let me forget, the night of Lazer Tag. With the black kid. Who called me nigga. And screamed at me, "I'M A SHOOT YOU NIGGA!" And sure enough, he shot me, to which he yelled out, "HA! I SHOT YOU NIGGA!"
The day after, Sam, Jake & I was driving home, and after 5 minutes of awkward silence, Sam exclaims with a laugh, "HE CALLED YOU NIGGER!"
Yes, that goes down in the memory books.
Or how about that exact same trip when Jake's gf called, and Sam started in on the Power Rangers? GO GO POWER RANGERS! And a whole lot of homosexual things going on with Zordon and Alpha 5...ew. But funny.
AND ON THE SAME TRIP, Sam, Jake & I went to Hooters, with Sam wearing sunglasses and pretending he was blind.
I'll never forget the dialog...
Waitress: How you today, guys?
Sam: Bad.
Waitress: Aw, why?
Sam: Well...I'm blind.
Wow...that was just classic.
Speaking of Hooters...In June we ran into a rarity, an Asian woman working at hooters. Who woulda thunk it? Ironically, there was zero Asian women working at PF Changs. Go figure.
And now, the reason why White Castle is so lovingly referred to as Greasy White Whores. They whored my body off for a while. Sad, but true.
Well, then the tabloids came out, and supposedly, me and Jake went down on Fast Freddy:
And got high with Big Al:
But Big Al condoned it, so it's all okay:
Oh yeah, and I finally made money. YAY MOOLAH! Ew... I did do both though...wait...ew...ok cut it o--....
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Rough weekend
Wow, just when I thought things couldn't get more crazier.
This weekend was just rough. Jake & I just kept butting heads...on stupid crap.
I just don't get it. Stuff I'd normally just confront people about I completely blew up over. Am I getting back to the point where I can't control myself anymore?
Just great...
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Break my balls, I need a pencil
Right now, if there was one thing I could do, I would make myself absolutely have no feelings for the opposite sex. No, I wouldn't make myself gay. This isn't a struggle with my sexuality, so don't insinuate that into what I'm saying.
It's a struggle with women. Blame it on their complex emotional states, blame it on the princess complex, blame it on whatever you want. But I'm absolutely frustrated with women right now.
I mean, even after a straightening out of the circumstances that I have found myself in, I still feel a little frustrated. I put on music to try to calm me down. Right now, my arms are still shaky.
But seriously, had I not cared so much for this girl, and had she not been a girl, and if I wasn't a Christian, I probably would've just exploded. Thank God I'm not as volatile as I once was. If that were the case, I would not have any friends, and people even want to notice me of the opposite sex, and I would be jumping poker tables upon bad beats. Praise Jesus I can control that.
But seriously, I am just so frustrated. I finally cleared the air of a lot of things that needed to be said. Thankfully, I was able to calm down and say this stuff, and say it without anger.
But like I said, even after clearing the air, and hearing both sides of the story, I just feel so frustrated. I'm just trying to gain footing here. I'm starting to, and hopefully I won't lose my footing anywhere along the line.
And I didn't want to have to have this discussion right now. I didn't feel like this was the right time. But you know what? Sometimes the circumstances, and God, force you to do things at that exact that moment, and not when you think it's the right time. This was one of those times.
But yeah, I know I'm being very vague, but at the time, I can't really go into absolute detail. I have a feeling one day down the line I'll be able to. But not now. But when things hit the fan like this, and you get slammed with a statement like this, you would get frustrated too.
Obviously, there's nothing good that comes out of waking up before 7 AM. That time of day is seriously ungodly.
I feel so very Emo today.
It's a struggle with women. Blame it on their complex emotional states, blame it on the princess complex, blame it on whatever you want. But I'm absolutely frustrated with women right now.
I mean, even after a straightening out of the circumstances that I have found myself in, I still feel a little frustrated. I put on music to try to calm me down. Right now, my arms are still shaky.
But seriously, had I not cared so much for this girl, and had she not been a girl, and if I wasn't a Christian, I probably would've just exploded. Thank God I'm not as volatile as I once was. If that were the case, I would not have any friends, and people even want to notice me of the opposite sex, and I would be jumping poker tables upon bad beats. Praise Jesus I can control that.
But seriously, I am just so frustrated. I finally cleared the air of a lot of things that needed to be said. Thankfully, I was able to calm down and say this stuff, and say it without anger.
But like I said, even after clearing the air, and hearing both sides of the story, I just feel so frustrated. I'm just trying to gain footing here. I'm starting to, and hopefully I won't lose my footing anywhere along the line.
And I didn't want to have to have this discussion right now. I didn't feel like this was the right time. But you know what? Sometimes the circumstances, and God, force you to do things at that exact that moment, and not when you think it's the right time. This was one of those times.
But yeah, I know I'm being very vague, but at the time, I can't really go into absolute detail. I have a feeling one day down the line I'll be able to. But not now. But when things hit the fan like this, and you get slammed with a statement like this, you would get frustrated too.
Obviously, there's nothing good that comes out of waking up before 7 AM. That time of day is seriously ungodly.
I feel so very Emo today.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Mr. "King of the Hill"
So, tonight's AJPoker's 4th league game. Due to lack of sleep, I didn't participate last week, and I'm slipping in points. That's balls. Ok, so it's time to knock this one off, and get over the hump.
Unfortunately, there's one guy that things he's king of the hill. Or hump. And every week, every game at AJ, he ends up at my table, and every time, he busts me. Not just that. He adds insult to injury and busts me with crap hands.
It's happened on Absolute, on Paradise, on Titan. It never fails.
Take tonight's hand for example. I raise 4 times BB with JJ, and he calls out of the big blind. Follow my heavy protection after the flop that comes 589, he pushes all-in on the turn when a 6 comes. I sit and think, and think there's no way i'm beat here. I had put him on A9, A8 maybe. Like I said, he plays junk, and lots of weak Aces. So I call. Turns up 78o! And I'm hoping for a spade, with my flush draw, and miss. Once again, busted by this guy.
I know it's a part of the game. And I can shrug it off, and say nice hand. But it seems like now my one obstacle for winning an AJ game is busting this guy. Which drives me nuts.
Time to focus. I'm gaining plenty of info on this guy. I know I can bust him 9 times out of 10, especially with the cards he plays. I just find it hilarious that he's busted me so many times. Next time, he'll rue. I've got a solid enough read now that I won't be suckered in by him anymore.
Bust him, and I'm taking #1 baby.
Unfortunately, there's one guy that things he's king of the hill. Or hump. And every week, every game at AJ, he ends up at my table, and every time, he busts me. Not just that. He adds insult to injury and busts me with crap hands.
It's happened on Absolute, on Paradise, on Titan. It never fails.
Take tonight's hand for example. I raise 4 times BB with JJ, and he calls out of the big blind. Follow my heavy protection after the flop that comes 589, he pushes all-in on the turn when a 6 comes. I sit and think, and think there's no way i'm beat here. I had put him on A9, A8 maybe. Like I said, he plays junk, and lots of weak Aces. So I call. Turns up 78o! And I'm hoping for a spade, with my flush draw, and miss. Once again, busted by this guy.
I know it's a part of the game. And I can shrug it off, and say nice hand. But it seems like now my one obstacle for winning an AJ game is busting this guy. Which drives me nuts.
Time to focus. I'm gaining plenty of info on this guy. I know I can bust him 9 times out of 10, especially with the cards he plays. I just find it hilarious that he's busted me so many times. Next time, he'll rue. I've got a solid enough read now that I won't be suckered in by him anymore.
Bust him, and I'm taking #1 baby.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Busting Negreanu: Priceless
Well, I don't have a lot of time for details, but man, am I feeling pretty pimp right now.
So, finally I catch Daniel Negreanu setting up a SNG on FCP before registration closes. He also puts a bounty on him of a autographed FCP T-Shirt. Not bad. So I sign up, ready to play. Of course, he's in a hurry to go pick up his wife, so he sets it to turbo mode. Bad, Daniel. I digress.
Seatings drawn, and we're 4 handed, and there's the man of the hour at my table. Yay, here's my shot.
So on the last hand of the first level, Daniel gets dropped to about 50 chips when his top pair gets outkicked. And on the very next hand, he's in the SB, and I'm UTG with pocket jacks. Yes, this could be payoff. Raise standard, and he moves in, and all of a sudden, the BB raises me?!?! Something told me I was ahead, I really didn't put him on the three hands that could beat me, so I just move all-in, and if he could've beat me into the pot, he would've.
BB turns up pocket tens, and Daniel turns up J3s. Wow, I couldn't be in better shape. Well, I could've; Daniel couldn't have made my outs cased. So, if BB catches a ten, I'm almost drawing dead, and Daniel's literally drawing dead (save some diamonds). Flop comes blanks. Just hold up. Turn's a blank. One more, just hold up. River BLANK! I bust both of them and grab my bounty.
Would've been a whole lot more satisfying had I have been able to outplay him (yeah, right) post-flop, but I'll take that win!
I can still say I busted Daniel Negreanu. Fun times. Now to recoop a little bit of money I lost in these SNG's tonight (yeah, these multi table SNG's kill me!)...tomorrow.
So, finally I catch Daniel Negreanu setting up a SNG on FCP before registration closes. He also puts a bounty on him of a autographed FCP T-Shirt. Not bad. So I sign up, ready to play. Of course, he's in a hurry to go pick up his wife, so he sets it to turbo mode. Bad, Daniel. I digress.
Seatings drawn, and we're 4 handed, and there's the man of the hour at my table. Yay, here's my shot.
So on the last hand of the first level, Daniel gets dropped to about 50 chips when his top pair gets outkicked. And on the very next hand, he's in the SB, and I'm UTG with pocket jacks. Yes, this could be payoff. Raise standard, and he moves in, and all of a sudden, the BB raises me?!?! Something told me I was ahead, I really didn't put him on the three hands that could beat me, so I just move all-in, and if he could've beat me into the pot, he would've.
BB turns up pocket tens, and Daniel turns up J3s. Wow, I couldn't be in better shape. Well, I could've; Daniel couldn't have made my outs cased. So, if BB catches a ten, I'm almost drawing dead, and Daniel's literally drawing dead (save some diamonds). Flop comes blanks. Just hold up. Turn's a blank. One more, just hold up. River BLANK! I bust both of them and grab my bounty.
Would've been a whole lot more satisfying had I have been able to outplay him (yeah, right) post-flop, but I'll take that win!
I can still say I busted Daniel Negreanu. Fun times. Now to recoop a little bit of money I lost in these SNG's tonight (yeah, these multi table SNG's kill me!)...tomorrow.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
High Pressure SNG: Feel Good Win
So, with the addition of a poker room on FullContactPoker, everyone around Negreanu's camp's been abuzz.
Well, this afternoon, I got off the phone with my mom to pull up the forums and see that Daniel had set up a private sit-n-go for all comers. Unfortunately, I was a few minutes too late, and only got to watch. Oh well, he's supposedly gonna be on tomorrow, so I get my chance to bust him soon.
Well, after I watched that one, a few guys from FCP forums wanted another private SNG. So, one got set up, and we played.
Granted, this was only a $5+.50 SNG, so it wasn't a huge dent on any of us really. But I hadn't played any of these guys (knowingly).
So here was the set up
1. Some guy I didn't know
2. Suited_Up
3. Me!
4. BetterBo
5. Governator
6. Zimmer4141
Now I know the 411 on the guys I'm playing against. Zimm's a red hot player, and just won the SNG with Daniel. I also have a lot of respect for Suited and Gov. Bo, I don't know too much about.
Barring the players I didn't know, or didn't know much about, I felt like I was probably the weak link at the table.
So all-in-all, I felt like I had a small shot here. But, playing solid, and keeping my confidence, I felt like I could accomplish all.
I started off low stacked, after my pockets 6's ran up against what I think was Zimmer's KQ. I can't tell you for certain whether or not it was KQ. But that was my read, and it was a scary flop of AK5. After I bet and he check/called the flop, that's what I felt. His bet on the river pushed me out.
Later on, Zimm and I were at it again. I catch a King on the flop with K8 (as most know, my lucky hand), bet 300 out and he calls. turn comes a Jack, and I move all-in, feeling as I was ahead. I had no read to go on here, I just felt it. And all of a sudden he says in chat, "I have to call this." I feel so screwed right now. He had to have me outkicked with a king on the flop. He then says, "I know I'm behind, but I can't lay this down." Ok, I may have a shot.
He calls, and turns up KRABLAR! Oh man, I was ecstatic. No 3 materialized, and I double up, and leave Zimm crippled. No pinch pinch for you.
A couple of knockouts later, we're now 3 handed, 2 cash. I have maintained second or third steadily since doubling up through Zimmer. And I get J8 in the big blind, and it's just me and Suited, where he limps.
Flop comes QJ3. I bet out, he raised, and I moved all-in. He turns up KRABLAR! WTF?! I was laughing, and as no king or 3 turned up, I knocked him out, giving me about 4:1 chip lead against Governator, who had been sitting out for most of the game due to his dog. Well, he's back and ready to play.
Only a few hands into this, I get A5, and catch middle pair on a flip of 538 (I think it was, but I know it was middle pair). I bet enough to put him all-in (1930), and he calls, and turns up two hearts. No hearts fall, and I emerge victorious!
All I could say was wow. That was a win that gave me a lot of confidence. These were some of the more respected members of FCP. And definitely better respected than me. And I felt like I handled them well. I was catching, and was reading pretty good here. Definitely the most exciting SNG I've played, even if it was only 5.50 to play.
Well, this afternoon, I got off the phone with my mom to pull up the forums and see that Daniel had set up a private sit-n-go for all comers. Unfortunately, I was a few minutes too late, and only got to watch. Oh well, he's supposedly gonna be on tomorrow, so I get my chance to bust him soon.
Well, after I watched that one, a few guys from FCP forums wanted another private SNG. So, one got set up, and we played.
Granted, this was only a $5+.50 SNG, so it wasn't a huge dent on any of us really. But I hadn't played any of these guys (knowingly).
So here was the set up
1. Some guy I didn't know
2. Suited_Up
3. Me!
4. BetterBo
5. Governator
6. Zimmer4141
Now I know the 411 on the guys I'm playing against. Zimm's a red hot player, and just won the SNG with Daniel. I also have a lot of respect for Suited and Gov. Bo, I don't know too much about.
Barring the players I didn't know, or didn't know much about, I felt like I was probably the weak link at the table.
So all-in-all, I felt like I had a small shot here. But, playing solid, and keeping my confidence, I felt like I could accomplish all.
I started off low stacked, after my pockets 6's ran up against what I think was Zimmer's KQ. I can't tell you for certain whether or not it was KQ. But that was my read, and it was a scary flop of AK5. After I bet and he check/called the flop, that's what I felt. His bet on the river pushed me out.
Later on, Zimm and I were at it again. I catch a King on the flop with K8 (as most know, my lucky hand), bet 300 out and he calls. turn comes a Jack, and I move all-in, feeling as I was ahead. I had no read to go on here, I just felt it. And all of a sudden he says in chat, "I have to call this." I feel so screwed right now. He had to have me outkicked with a king on the flop. He then says, "I know I'm behind, but I can't lay this down." Ok, I may have a shot.
He calls, and turns up KRABLAR! Oh man, I was ecstatic. No 3 materialized, and I double up, and leave Zimm crippled. No pinch pinch for you.
A couple of knockouts later, we're now 3 handed, 2 cash. I have maintained second or third steadily since doubling up through Zimmer. And I get J8 in the big blind, and it's just me and Suited, where he limps.
Flop comes QJ3. I bet out, he raised, and I moved all-in. He turns up KRABLAR! WTF?! I was laughing, and as no king or 3 turned up, I knocked him out, giving me about 4:1 chip lead against Governator, who had been sitting out for most of the game due to his dog. Well, he's back and ready to play.
Only a few hands into this, I get A5, and catch middle pair on a flip of 538 (I think it was, but I know it was middle pair). I bet enough to put him all-in (1930), and he calls, and turns up two hearts. No hearts fall, and I emerge victorious!
All I could say was wow. That was a win that gave me a lot of confidence. These were some of the more respected members of FCP. And definitely better respected than me. And I felt like I handled them well. I was catching, and was reading pretty good here. Definitely the most exciting SNG I've played, even if it was only 5.50 to play.
Monday, December 05, 2005
PokerForumChallenge V: I feel rather satisfied
Yeah, I failed to post this on the night of the game. But yeah, Friday night was the PFC. And boy was I psyched. But earlier in the day, I was afraid I would not be at 100% to play. And well, as I have posted earlier, this would continue a long standing tradition.
The day before the PFC, I get an e-mail from Hyunsil, one of my best friends in the whole world, who also lives in Korea...halfway around the world from myself. She needed help with a report she was doing for her American Culture class. Well, I had told her that if she ever needed any help, to let me know, and I didn't let her down. She later, at about 10PM my time, sends me the questions to work on, and then tells me that she would be able to be online again at 6AM my time to run through what I had written and make sure it's what she needed.
Like I said, it's 10PM. I'm figuring I can get this done by midnight, get some sleep, and wake up to talk to her at 6.
At 3AM, I finally get the questions done. And have caught a second wind. Perfect! Just perfect. So now, I know beyond any doubt that I'd be much better off staying awake till 6, staying awake till we're done, and then sleep.
So at 6, just like she promised, here she is, and we get everything ran over. Well, then we got talking about various other things, as we hadn't gotten a chance to talk in about a week or so. The huge time difference, on top of her not bringing her computer to college with her, kind of hinders that. I need to get a phone card and call her sometime, but hey, that's another story.
At 8 or 9, she has to go, and I desperately need sleep! I finally fall asleep at 10, knowing at 8, the tournament starts.
I finally wake up at about 5:30, but would've slept longer had it not have been for the tournament. I put a pot of coffee on, because I knew I needed it. And then hopped in AJPoker's chat room and talked with the crew that was playing tonight.
My buddy Jingo & I were both on the same page pretty much, as he had to sleep during the day also, because he received a surprise phone call from a friend in Iraq. But all in all, we were both ready. I had been at a place where my focus has been at the highest it's been in a while, on top of that I was running good. In the first one, I had slept through the first 3 levels, caught cards, but had no focus. In the second one I played, I was running horribly, but had a dead read on everyone. So this would be the first one I'd go into having both.
As the PFC started, I was psyched. I played rather tight at the start, but still, when I was in the pot, I knew where I stood, and whether I could steal the pot. That kept myself hovering around the average for the first 3 levels. Then, comes the breaking point.
I started really catching. And my focus was still dead on. Knocking out players left and right. Then comes one of the funny hands of the tournament.
I'm sitting in the BB with 94o. Everyone limps to me, and I check. Flop comes x99. I lead out and bet, and see a smaller stack just in front of me push all-in. Two callers, so I decide to isolate and move everyone else all-in. One caller, and I have the best of it. Dropping two in one hand, I check the lobby, and I am now the chipleader with 600 left (after starting with 2000). The first caller then starts needling me about being a crap player. Well, that's what you get when you let me see the flop for free with crap hands!
Upon review, he apologized, forgetting that I was in the BB. Much respect for that. It happens.
At the first break, I hold the cheap lead with under 500 left. I felt pretty safe, but in this no one is.
I wind up shortstacked at 10K with under 200 left and get dealt Q4s in the BB with the blinds at 500/1000. Button raises to 3000, and normally I would fold. However, I felt I had a read that told me that he was just playing position to steal the blinds, as he had been doing anyway. So I push all-in, thinking he'll fold, and I could still back in to something if he did call. Well he did, unfortunately he shows AKo. Bad misread. And I get teased. Flop an inside straight draw on the flop, giving me a chance to hit a 3, 4 or a Queen to scoop, and miss all outs on the river. Thus, ending my run in 176th.
PFC III: 800-something
PFC IV: 1200-something
PFC V: 176th
Not bad? No cash. But I felt very satisfied. In a normal tournament situation, I would've cashed. However, this being a freeroll, with a weird pay schedule, I don't. All-in-all, I usually don't have total faith in myself in a large field. I need to work on that, but I just never do. But I started to gain some faith after this game. I was holding my own, something I love doing, and really felt like I played some of the best poker I have played in a long time. Very sweet.
For the record, JohnJr never showed. Clown!
The day before the PFC, I get an e-mail from Hyunsil, one of my best friends in the whole world, who also lives in Korea...halfway around the world from myself. She needed help with a report she was doing for her American Culture class. Well, I had told her that if she ever needed any help, to let me know, and I didn't let her down. She later, at about 10PM my time, sends me the questions to work on, and then tells me that she would be able to be online again at 6AM my time to run through what I had written and make sure it's what she needed.
Like I said, it's 10PM. I'm figuring I can get this done by midnight, get some sleep, and wake up to talk to her at 6.
At 3AM, I finally get the questions done. And have caught a second wind. Perfect! Just perfect. So now, I know beyond any doubt that I'd be much better off staying awake till 6, staying awake till we're done, and then sleep.
So at 6, just like she promised, here she is, and we get everything ran over. Well, then we got talking about various other things, as we hadn't gotten a chance to talk in about a week or so. The huge time difference, on top of her not bringing her computer to college with her, kind of hinders that. I need to get a phone card and call her sometime, but hey, that's another story.
At 8 or 9, she has to go, and I desperately need sleep! I finally fall asleep at 10, knowing at 8, the tournament starts.
I finally wake up at about 5:30, but would've slept longer had it not have been for the tournament. I put a pot of coffee on, because I knew I needed it. And then hopped in AJPoker's chat room and talked with the crew that was playing tonight.
My buddy Jingo & I were both on the same page pretty much, as he had to sleep during the day also, because he received a surprise phone call from a friend in Iraq. But all in all, we were both ready. I had been at a place where my focus has been at the highest it's been in a while, on top of that I was running good. In the first one, I had slept through the first 3 levels, caught cards, but had no focus. In the second one I played, I was running horribly, but had a dead read on everyone. So this would be the first one I'd go into having both.
As the PFC started, I was psyched. I played rather tight at the start, but still, when I was in the pot, I knew where I stood, and whether I could steal the pot. That kept myself hovering around the average for the first 3 levels. Then, comes the breaking point.
I started really catching. And my focus was still dead on. Knocking out players left and right. Then comes one of the funny hands of the tournament.
I'm sitting in the BB with 94o. Everyone limps to me, and I check. Flop comes x99. I lead out and bet, and see a smaller stack just in front of me push all-in. Two callers, so I decide to isolate and move everyone else all-in. One caller, and I have the best of it. Dropping two in one hand, I check the lobby, and I am now the chipleader with 600 left (after starting with 2000). The first caller then starts needling me about being a crap player. Well, that's what you get when you let me see the flop for free with crap hands!
Upon review, he apologized, forgetting that I was in the BB. Much respect for that. It happens.
At the first break, I hold the cheap lead with under 500 left. I felt pretty safe, but in this no one is.
I wind up shortstacked at 10K with under 200 left and get dealt Q4s in the BB with the blinds at 500/1000. Button raises to 3000, and normally I would fold. However, I felt I had a read that told me that he was just playing position to steal the blinds, as he had been doing anyway. So I push all-in, thinking he'll fold, and I could still back in to something if he did call. Well he did, unfortunately he shows AKo. Bad misread. And I get teased. Flop an inside straight draw on the flop, giving me a chance to hit a 3, 4 or a Queen to scoop, and miss all outs on the river. Thus, ending my run in 176th.
PFC III: 800-something
PFC IV: 1200-something
PFC V: 176th
Not bad? No cash. But I felt very satisfied. In a normal tournament situation, I would've cashed. However, this being a freeroll, with a weird pay schedule, I don't. All-in-all, I usually don't have total faith in myself in a large field. I need to work on that, but I just never do. But I started to gain some faith after this game. I was holding my own, something I love doing, and really felt like I played some of the best poker I have played in a long time. Very sweet.
For the record, JohnJr never showed. Clown!
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