I'm losing my mind. That's all that I can surmise. I'm becoming the loose cannon I was afraid of becoming again. And I hate it.

Everything is blowing up on me. The road blocks have gone up with the woman I thought was mine...I've given up. Every other route cannot be taking...because it's being travelled by someone else. What else? What if I'm doomed to wander the planet alone?

This is making me sick. There's been times when I've wanted to blow up on people. There's been times when I've just wanted to gut myself. It burns me up, and I just wish I could just live in a hole somewhere.

I'm ashamed of myself...I feel like I'm always gonna be. It just makes me sick.

What am I doing? My band's getting back together, and I've GOTTA be strong for this. But I can't be. I'm nothing but weak, and I've accepted that, and I can just go back to my hole now. No one treats me badly there. I like it that way.

I feel like the biggest loser in the world. Maybe I am. I feel picked apart, and I just wish that I could get everything back. I wish I had myself back, but I'm gone...I found a better place to exist...and I don't know where that is.

I know God still loves me, but I just still feel like I could die and no one would even notice. Maybe I should've died in the hospital last February. I've put myself through so much Hell in this last year. I just feel like crashing...I feel like sleeping for two weeks...I've gotta do something. But what?