This is been a horrid week. Again. Well, last week was a cakewalk compared to this week. All because everything that happened last week came to a head this week. I now have yet another friend who refuses to speak to me again. This time, the feeling is mutual. This friend I speak of and myself have had more fights than you could imagine. All of this has been brooded by her other friend, my ex-girlfriend. They always come out looking clean, and I am always the bad guy. Only two people will take my side on this one. Fortunately, they aren't both of my yes-men again. It's only one yes man this time. Personally, I think that my ex is a horrid influence on my friend. But I'm getting so freaking sick of talking about it now. I don't wanna hear any of their names again, but sadly, being such a small community, there's no hope in that.

I know this has torn my friends in two. Most of them are trying to remain neutral, trying not to tick either one of us off. Quite frankly, I wish they'd just choose sides, so I'd know who is for me and who is against me. But they won't. And I know my other friend is trying to get people to choose sides. And quite frankly, she is the queen of the game of drama, so she could probably get them swayed over to her side. Is it my destiny to make everyone who was once a friend an enemy? I know I can't escape arguments. I know I have arguments with my best friends. But over petty BS like this? For the record, you don't even wanna know. Most of the time the arguments are over deep topics, or some hard decisions, or something very stressful. But nothing so petty. And they don't blow up this much. So obviously me and her were never really meant to be friends.

Or maybe it runs deeper than that. Maybe the mistakes I made with my ex destroyed this friendship. I don't know. I don't even wanna think about it. To be completely honest, I just wanna forget about it, and push through it, and just get on with life, and not have to worry about it anymore. I just keep waking up, and wishing that all of a sudden, all this stuff would be forgotten by everybody, and I wouldn't have to wake up and face it, day, after day, after day. I wind up sleeping so much, because I just don't wanna think about it, or any other problem I have. I know I'm depressed, and I know I'm hurting. And I know it sucks. And I know I need to snap myself out of it. But what's the point anymore? Whenever I say that things will be better, and I start getting positive again, something else comes along that just makes everything blow goats again.

I keep trying to make things right. But no matter what, I keep ending up being the one hurt, and everyone else keep coming out clean. I hate that. I just wish that I could just give it all up, and be myself. But everyone seems to start using me as floormat, and I resubmit myself to that fate.

Maybe I SHOULD leave this place. Maybe I SHOULD go to school in a foreign country like I've been wanting to. At least no one there will know me as the floormat I am here, unless they just happen to recognize me from this Xanga.

I don't know. Maybe I'm talking crazy now. All I can say, that thank God that the semester is coming to an end. I need summer break. I need a job. And I need some time to think everything through.