So finally, I get a chance to give you a more descript rundown of what has been happening in my life lately. Sorry it took so long, but you have no clue yet how crazy my life has been as of late.
This is a uber-long blog, so please be patient, because you're going to have to read a lot of stuff!
Now, to do this, I guess I will have to go back in time to fill you in. And this involves me being absolutely honest with something I haven't been 100% about with a few people. So yeah, consider this me bearing it all. I know, you're probably thinking, "Jeez dude! I don't want a history lesson! Just give me the here and now!" Trust me, in order to know my reasoning for a lot of things that have been happening (including the reason why I quit playing poker), you NEED to know the full story.
This all started just about 5 years back, in April of 2001. On April 7th of that year, what I thought was the worst thing to happen to me happened. And this sounds absolutely stupid. My mom's 3-week old Saturn L300 car was rear-ended outside of a department store by some guy who wasn't paying attention to the road. I was hurting, and needless to say, the entire trunk of the car was in bad shape. They rushed me to the emergency room, and did some X-Rays. Turns out I just had whiplash, so it wasn't awful. But I had to wear a cervical collar, and had to limit my activity.
So, I was unable to finish my weightlifting classes. And my weekly activities of going out to a club to chill with my friends ground to a halt because of this. So, needless to say, I was bummed. All my activities were cut off, and I was feeling like this was the worst thing to happen to me. Little did I know that this would be quite the opposite in the long run.
Being unable to do much, I turned to my new computer. I had always been a computer nerd to begin with. Circumstances made me more so. I began spending my time, other than the time I spent obsessively playing my new PS2 and scoping out bonus features on my DVDs (God, I remember when that was such a novelty), chatting with my buddies I couldn't spend much time with due to my injury, downloading music (Yeah, old school Napster junk...my how times have changed), and surfing the internet. My little cousin would come over occasionally (and sometimes would have to get off the bus at my house), and we'd make stupid little home movies to entertain ourselves. But I digress on that part, that's a topic for another blog. It was the surfing the 'Net that was the biggest thing of this time.
On Saturday, April 14th, instead of going to the club as I usually would, I wound up surfing the 'Net (why do I keep beating the dead horse?). I wandered randomly onto a Penpal site that I had an account on, just hadn't put it to use at all. Well, I had a long time ago, but got zero serious responses (as in, those that responded e-mailed me once, but never responded to my replies, or I just couldn't connect with them in any way). But I was bored, and my regular plans were blown due to some idiot on a cell phone in a Ford F350. So I decided I'd pop into this site, and just look around, and see if there was anyone I might want to talk to. That's when I found her.
Her, being Hyunsil. She was just this girl from South Korea. Her's was probably the 5th or 6th profile I had read that night. And she seemed interesting. And she looked pretty from her picture. But, I figured I had no chance. That she would probably never respond to my e-mails. I swore to God that it was pointless to even try to e-mail her. I did anyway.
I don't even know why. Usually, when I get these hairs that I have no hope in a situation, I just give up, or never even attempt anything at all. But, I just decided I'd give it a shot. She's halfway around the world; if I never get anything back from her, I'll never have to see her at all to remind myself of my failure. So, why not?
I just sent a quick e-mail introducing myself, commenting on her profile, and told her I hoped that we would get to talk soon. About 10 minutes later, I disconnected, went, and watch a movie. Never gave it a second thought.
The next afternoon, I got online, checked my e-mail, not expecting anything out of the ordinary. Probably just random crap from my friends, and junk mail. Big whoop. But I was shocked! She replied! I never expected a thing, but she gave me a reply! So of course, I kept e-mailing, not expecting anything back to any of them, but she just kept responding to me. I was shocked. I actually found someone online to talk to, that actually kept up his/her end of the responses. Little did I know what this would turn into.
I mean, it didn't really turn into this huge friendship really quickly. I mean, I wound up getting her physical address, as she had asked mine (because she wanted to send me brochures from some trip she went on). And then one day she decided she shouldn't get online much, and that we should just send regular mail to each other. That sucked for me. I think letters are much more personal, and like that. However, the thing I despise about it is that you actually have to WRITE them. I get lazy, or really busy, and writing letters becomes a hassle. So, over this time (from about late 2001, to about early 2003), our communications were sparse. But they were still existant. It would just take a few months for anything to actually happen (which was my fault, she was usually quick to respond to my letters).
Fast forward to March 2003. I hadn't written her since August of 2002. Yeah, I'm really lazy. But, in my defense, I had become busy with school, and then, got really busy with my first band. When I was at home, I was kind of depressed, and just spent my time playing bass, writing, or playing video games. But something just struck me, and I began to think, "I wonder how Hyunsil's doing. Maybe I should write her." Seemed like the thing to do. This was at the time when I was finally breaking out of my depression, and I had just gotten out of the hospital after literally almost dying (read my blog that I dedicated to Rick Girt in 2004), so I had a new lease on life. I couldn't share much of that, as things were financially bad at home, so we had no phone, no internet (duh, no phone), no cable, so pretty much, if it wasn't coming from my bass, my radio, or my PS2, I had no enterainment. So it was definitely a time where I could focus on writing a letter without getting too occupied.
So I wrote her, not expecting a thing back. I mean, I hadn't wrote to her in 7 months, why would she even bother with someone that wrote so sporadically? By the grace of God, though, she did reply. And she was absolutely happy that I wrote her, and had become afraid I had forgotten her. With my new positivity and lease on life, I wrote back as quickly as possible, and we discussed a lot of stuff, and caught up very quickly. And she started trying to teach me Korean. She also sent me things that I treasure to this day: two Korean coins. One was only worth a penny, and one only worth a dime, but who cares? That was pretty nice. I lost the penny piece a few months ago sadly, but still keep the dime with me wherever I go (in fact, I was using one as a card topper when I played poker, which will become absolutely ironic as we delve further).
So, time wore on this year, and we kept talking and talking. Then something really funny happened. I'm going into a huge amount of detail right now, but I feel like it. I may one day forget all of this, and I don't want to.
At church, we (the youth group) started praying for each of us to have a nation on our hearts. So needless to say, I was expecting a sign to come. And it came, or so I think.
Maybe it was just about a week or so after we started this, I don't remember. But anyway, Mom, my cousin and her husband, and myself, went to Wal-Mart in Evansville after dinner one night, because they needed to get some stuff. So, I did my usual, and veered off to electronics. I was looking at video games, then went to look at CD's, and something unusual caught my attention around the TVs. Something didn't sound quite right. It sounded like a foreign language or something. So I walked back there, and saw a bunch of Asians on the screen, and...is it? It is! That's KOREAN text on the screen. And I could figure out that it was Korean being spoken.
Now, I know that satellites can get Asian channels. But this was just absolutely bizarre (more so by the fact of what I had been praying for). Usually in Wal-Mart, you see that lame Wal-Mart channel trying to sell you junk at their store. But not this time. This was a Korean TV station being played at Wal-Mart.
I kind of brushed it off as it may have been a sign, it may not be. We'll just see what happens. Not 24 hours later, I was channel surfing at home (Cable was back), and saw a commercial. It was a commercial for the Korean National Travel Organization's website. This wasn't even the Travel Channel folks. And I have NEVER seen another commercial for it since. Nor had I ever seen one before this at all.
Yeah, I assumed. It was a sign. So I started to think ahead to what may end up being me going over there.
So one night, I was talking to Hyunsil on MSN, and just dropped the possibility of me coming over there sometime. She was ECSTATIC. So she started really hammering on me, trying to help me learn Korean, sending me Korean music, and all sorts of stuff pertaining to my coming over there.
Well, then my computer completely went bust at home. So, once college started, when I wasn't in class or in BASIC, I was in the library on the internet. Kind of geeky, but I hadn't met anyone there that I didn't already hang out with that I wanted to get to know. Several of these people were just horrible people, but again, I digress. But, so many times that I would get online, she would be on.
Needless to say, we began talking a lot. And we got to know each other very well. And it began to blossom into one of the best friendships I have ever had. Ever. Even though we have never met.
I mean, from August of 2003, pretty much every weekday, I had a conversation with her. I would help her with her English, she'd help me with my Korean. We'd discuss so much stuff it was funny. But like I said above, I had no clue what this would turn into. Because in February of 2004, I felt myself falling for this girl. Seriously. I kept it hidden from all but one person (including her, she had no clue for a long time), and swore him to secrecy.
I mean, it just made no sense. How could I be falling for some girl I have never met, never even talked to on the phone? I mean, the only way I really knew she was a girl and from Korea was the hundreds upon hundreds of pictures she sent me. But even those could fake. But I had a feeling that that wasn't the case. Just didn't seem too plausible.
Plus, I was quite frankly scared to admit it. Not so much the fact that I had fallen in love with someone over the internet; you can take the ribbing from that, or even fake the way you met if you were still nervous about admitting that. I was scared to admit that I had fallen for an Asian woman.
It wasn't that I thought that there was anything wrong with it. I didn't. My mother had raised me not to have anything wrong with it. And I didn't. If I had problems about socializing with people that wasn't white, I would've never e-mailed her. My problem was with the reaction of others.
People I hang with now have no problem with it. I mean, people who live in Indianapolis, for the most part at least, see this as an almost nonissue now. Southern Illinois, however, is a whole other animal. If you see someone that isn't white in the area I was from, it was like hitting the lottery. And those people would be stared at. Two people that I used to hang out with in high school were actual card carrying members of the KKK. Yeah, I am ashamed to admit that I'm friends with Klan members.
They actually, as a prank, drove around the square in town, and pulled up to the one black girl in our high school wearing their cloaks. Supposedly, she was traumatized, as expected. I heard this, and just sighed. I never said anything, but I just wanted to smack them for this one. They constantly used "nigger" to describe blacks in the media. So, to be frank, Southern Illinois isn't what you would call racially friendly.
So my mind raced through the thoughts of, "What if they knew I was falling for an Asian?" It just scared me to death what the consequences would be of even uttering that.
So it became not me who decided that is was something to be ashamed about, but outside influences that decided it was something to be ashamed about.
In late April of that year, I finally fessed up to her. And, in May, I talked to her on the phone for the first time ever, and was floored. But still, I kept this on the down-low, because I knew what would be said, and was scared to hear it, only telling a few friends what had transpired, and they (more accepting) were not surprised.
Well, then she went to Egypt for a year to study, and could hardly get online again. So I was back to having to write letters. Once again, I was swamped with music, then back to school, then became utterly depressed again. And once again, our conversations became a lot more sporadic. Not as bad as it had been, but it was not as frequent as it was through my first year of school.
But, once she returned to Korea, it was much more frequent. I finally became less concerned about the reactions of other people, and more concerned about what would happen between us. I wanted us to remain the best of friends, but I still wanted more.
Finally, in December of last year, I broke down and told her everything I felt. I told her I tried to hide it, and pretend it was nothing. But I couldn't. I wanted something more than what we had right then. I wanted my chance to be hers.
She then admitted that she had feelings for me, But she didn't want to act on them until we were able to meet. That was understandable. It's definitely feasible that we could be best friends online, but not get along in person. I don't think that will happen, but it's still feasible. So whatever was supposed to happen, would have to wait until the day that either I made it to Korea, or she made it here. But no matter what, we decided we would go on a date the first time we met. We had to see what was supposed to happen.
Then the utmost traumatic week I've ever experienced with her happened in January.
As everyone knows, I was playing poker seriously. I mean seriously. I lived and breathed the game. I was learning the game, becoming better, and was a winning player. So remember that irony? Yeah, you probably guessed it when I brought it up the first time.
Hyunsil despises poker. She knows it's addictive, and knows someone goes home broke playing it at times. That's all she really knows. And I knew she didn't like the game. We had this discussion once before, but I never came out to admit that I had started playing poker for a living. It wasn't that I had lied to her about what I was doing. I had just omitted it. To me it was a non-issue that we would bring up later, and that I would hopefully have enough of a bankroll built up just from playing freerolls and building that free money up to prove to her that it was a game of skill. So for it to happen in January was unexpected.
I had my occupation on several profiles that my occupation was Poker Player. Never thought anything about it. Then, she signed up to one of those sites, and saw it. And she left me a message on that site, and showed me her distate and disdain for what my occupation was. And that was it.
I began to think she wasn't ever going to talk to me again. I was getting worried as the days passed without her talking to me. One day. Two days. Three Days. Four days. Five Days. This was uncommon, and I seriously became worried she was never going to talk to me again.
Then, she signed on to MSN. And we started talking. And the first topic of discussion was my poker playing. I tried to explain everything to her. I talked until I was blue in the face, but she didn't like it at all. So, I asked her what she wanted me to do. Could I prove it to her that it wasn't just luck or what?
She then told me she wanted to quit playing poker. I almost knew that it would come to this. But I hadn't prepared for this decision at all. I figured I'd eventually be able to get her to understand. But it had all come to this.
To me, it was the biggest decision of my life. I had to think things through rationally.
Amazingly, the decision only took 2 minutes.
It was that moment that I quit poker. Hyunsil meant more to me than the game. Friends, lovers, whatever. 5 year together, I did not want to risk letting her go. And if that meant giving up poker, then so be it.
I haven't second guessed this decision at all. It's tough, yes, but I'm happy that I made it.
And now, I'm projected to go see her in April. When I started writing this blog, I couldn't remember the date of the car wreck, but I called Mom, and then thought about the chain events. And the amazing coincidence is that the day that I'm supposed to arrive in Seoul is the exact day (to the day) that I first saw her profile and e-mailed her. Absolutely amazing.
As it stands, I will be staying there a month. So I will get to be there to celebrate her 22nd birthday in May.
Of course, without poker, and factoring in some expenses that have come in, I'm short the money to get there. Fortunately, I have several chances to get a job now, starting with Meijer in Noblesville. Probably even full time, which will put me at way over the amount I need to get there. And, I should be there long enough for them to be able to let me off to go there. So here's hoping.
So, what has passed my time since giving up poker? I have really started to play music again. I've picked up both the acoustic and the bass (and have been air drumming, which sounds lame, but I've really started to be able to carry rhythm in drums now), and started playing again. I'm learning a lot of songs, some that I never thought I would learned. But that's about it. No band. With what's coming up, it's impractical to start something up that I'll have to put on hold for a month.
I've actually considered going to an open-mic at a comedy club and performing. I just got this wild hair in me when Jake & I got free tickets to see Brett Butler play a comedy club, and found out they have an amateur night. Would probably never do it again, but it just seems like an experience that I would like to try before I die. And everyone says my sense of humor is one of my biggest traits, so why not share that? It'd be interesting to experience.
I just started working out again. I had realized I really need to anyway. I mean, I take ONE STEP on a DDR machine and about pass out. I'm not getting fat, just out of shape. And that can lead to that. But I wasn't motivated to do so.
When I found out I have a shot to come to Korea to see Hyunsil, I felt that was motivation enough. I mean, she has told me that outward appearance isn't very important to her. But still. I'd hate to get there and be completely out of shape, and possibly getting fat. I mean, I want to at least show some pride in myself, and look decent when she meets me. I don't know how that will be possible, as the first time she will ever see me in person, I would look like total poop after the 18 hour flight there trying not to sleep (as it will be about 9-10 PM Korean time when I arrive). But I figure working out won't be too bad.
First day I did it, I knew I was lazy. I didn't know I was this lazy. Here was the totals:
3 Chin-ups
10 Crunches
10 Push-ups
That's it. That's all I could do. I need to start running too, but it's too friggin cold to do here! Well, the next morning, I woke up, and could barely move. That's embarrassing. I do less of a workout than I did in PE in high school (which was very little to begin with), and I'm sore. My abs hurt. My arms hurt. My legs hurt. If I moved, I hurt, I guarantee you.
It took everything I had the next day to even EMULATE the results I put up the first day. And, of course, I'm so melodramatic that everyone thought I had cut my leg off because I was groaning so loud with pain with every repitition.
It's gotten easier. But I'm still sore. The numbers I put up yesterday:
6 chin-ups
30 crunches
20 push-ups
10 one-armed push-ups each arm (THAT was a treat. First one I did, I felt my back pop like never before. I collapsed on the ground, screamed, and then went "Ahhhhhhh." Funny junk)
I'll factor in more stuff as I go, and relearn this stuff. What I need to focus on is my upper body, which has always been shoddy. Trust me people. It was talk of the locker room in high school. I would have tone rest of my body. You could see my ribs, individually. Yes, I eat (a lot). No I don't throw it back up. People would actually offer to buy me lunch because they were concerned. And others would crack jokes. And I've always been self conscious about my chest for this reason. It looks awful.
Laying flat on my back, you will actually see a dip from my rib cage to my abdoment. It's quite offsetting. It looks like one of those annorexic runway models. Gross.
So, I want to get that taken care of. I don't know exactly what exercises to do to tone that part of the body. So anyone with info, please let me know. Otherwise I'll be Googling it.
Don't suggest weightlifting. I've been down that road. I haven't lifted in 5 years (since whiplash incident, man that factors into so much of my life), so I would spend two months just trying to get HALFWAY to where I was. When I WAS lifting, I saw no difference in the shape of my chest. As in, you could still see my ribcage the same as now, the same as in 2003 when the jokes were made.
Also, I'm too focused on saving money for Korea to pay for a gym membership where I would get discouraged seeing all those hard bodies and just quit going. And I don't want to buy a weight set just to try to get back to where I was before I quit lifting, and not offset my problem.
I'm not asking for, or expecting a quick solution. Just something that has a possibility of showing noticeable improvement before April. I could even post pics of my upper body unclothed, just so you can see what I'm talking about. Maybe on Rotten.com. Just kidding.
Well, that's about it. And this is the megablog, absolutely the longest blog I've ever written. And now you know everything.
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