Cyber Pwnage

When you play poker, and post on poker forums, one of the things you will run into is people IM'ing you asking for stakes. This has been a growing trend on FCP recently. And most of these people are just random lurkers who have never posted and are just desperate for money to continue playing a losing game of poker, and beg the winners for money. Usually, the amount is only $5.

I, however, was entertained by one of the more desperate ones. And thus, I can now entertain you.

This is his story:

(3:49:48 AM) hooplehead1876: Hey, it's me from the poker forum. Is there any way you could stake me a couple of hundies? I'm a great player.
(3:50:18 AM) oN3 40 se7en: which poker forum do you belong to?
(3:50:24 AM) hooplehead1876: FCP
(3:50:32 AM) oN3 40 se7en: cool, cool
(3:50:37 AM) oN3 40 se7en: what's your name on there?
(3:50:51 AM) hooplehead1876: I'm just a lurker.
(3:51:31 AM) oN3 40 se7en: oh ok
(3:51:50 AM) oN3 40 se7en: well, that might be possible
(3:52:01 AM) hooplehead1876: So, like two hundy?
(3:52:16 AM) oN3 40 se7en: perhaps
(3:52:35 AM) oN3 40 se7en: let's just make sure you're ready for such a huge responsibility
(3:52:45 AM) oN3 40 se7en: don't worry, i'm pretty lenient, so i'm sure it'll be no sweat
(3:52:55 AM) oN3 40 se7en: but just gotta do this for a mere technicality
(3:53:03 AM) hooplehead1876: cool, cool
(3:53:16 AM) oN3 40 se7en: where do you play?
(3:53:30 AM) hooplehead1876: Stars, Pacific.
(3:53:54 AM) oN3 40 se7en: don't have money on either of them...but stars isn't too hard to get money on to
(3:54:00 AM) oN3 40 se7en: what stakes do you play?
(3:54:15 AM) hooplehead1876: Anything, man.
(3:54:27 AM) hooplehead1876: I've played as high as $40/80
(3:54:45 AM) hooplehead1876: I need this money soon to pat off a debt. Can we hurry?
(3:54:51 AM) oN3 40 se7en: yeah yeah, sorry man
(3:54:57 AM) oN3 40 se7en: just gotta make sure you're ready
(3:55:03 AM) oN3 40 se7en: what games do you play?
(3:55:08 AM) hooplehead1876: I was born readdy
(3:55:29 AM) hooplehead1876: No limit holdem. The only man's game left!
(3:55:36 AM) oN3 40 se7en: nice
(3:55:44 AM) oN3 40 se7en: now that i know the basics
(3:55:50 AM) oN3 40 se7en: time to get down to the nitty gritty
(3:55:56 AM) oN3 40 se7en: what does UTG mean?
(3:56:19 AM) hooplehead1876: under the giraff?
(3:56:28 AM) oN3 40 se7en: you've learned padowon
(3:56:32 AM) oN3 40 se7en: BB?
(3:56:41 AM) hooplehead1876: big betty?
(3:56:47 AM) oN3 40 se7en: i'm proud
(3:56:56 AM) oN3 40 se7en: would you ever have sex with an octopus?
(3:57:28 AM) hooplehead1876: Why would you need to know that?
(3:57:39 AM) oN3 40 se7en: just answer it...your stake rides on it
(3:57:45 AM) hooplehead1876: No
(3:57:54 AM) oN3 40 se7en: you wouldn't have sex with eight women?
(3:58:01 AM) oN3 40 se7en: are you light in the trousers?
(3:58:22 AM) hooplehead1876: Naw, man. this is bullshit.
(3:58:30 AM) oN3 40 se7en: sorry sorry
(3:58:37 AM) oN3 40 se7en: we can ignore that question
(3:58:44 AM) oN3 40 se7en: since you didn't understand the context
(3:59:18 AM) oN3 40 se7en: new question:
(4:00:28 AM) oN3 40 se7en: this is the first hand of the WSOP main event. Only there's a new rule this year: first one out gets a lap dance from the thunder from down under all-male revue. Everyone moves all-in in front of you, and you are dealt AA in Big Betty. Do you call?
(4:00:48 AM) hooplehead1876: No
(4:00:54 AM) oN3 40 se7en: WRONGO
(4:01:02 AM) oN3 40 se7en: you call and accept the strippers as consolation
(4:01:15 AM) hooplehead1876: I've heard from experts that you should fold 'em
(4:01:35 AM) oN3 40 se7en: cmon man...free strippers don't come along every day
(4:01:42 AM) oN3 40 se7en: think man, think!
(4:01:48 AM) hooplehead1876: I'm not gay, dude.
(4:01:58 AM) oN3 40 se7en: well, you wouldn't have sex with an octopus
(4:02:02 AM) oN3 40 se7en: i'm sorry
(4:02:04 AM) oN3 40 se7en: let's continue
(4:03:20 AM) oN3 40 se7en: trust me, this will all make sense in the end, when you are rolling in the hundos
(4:03:32 AM) hooplehead1876: Okay.
(4:04:41 AM) hooplehead1876: I'm going to be honest-- you'll likely never hear from me again.
(4:04:51 AM) oN3 40 se7en: i know
(4:04:53 AM) hooplehead1876: But it's good to help someone out
(4:04:57 AM) oN3 40 se7en: i stake people lots
(4:05:02 AM) oN3 40 se7en: they never call, they never write
(4:05:05 AM) oN3 40 se7en: it's the way life goes

*Silence for 10 minutes*

(4:15:40 AM) hooplehead1876: kay
(4:16:20 AM) oN3 40 se7en: but if you were to ever have sex with kathy liebert, would you call her?
(4:16:38 AM) hooplehead1876: Yeah?
(4:16:47 AM) oN3 40 se7en: WRONG!
(4:16:51 AM) oN3 40 se7en: she doesn't own a phone
(4:17:21 AM) hooplehead1876: What? Dude, I don't know if you're trying to be funny or not.
(4:17:30 AM) oN3 40 se7en: actually i was
(4:17:33 AM) oN3 40 se7en: did it work?
(4:17:40 AM) hooplehead1876: Yeah. LMAO
(4:17:43 AM) oN3 40 se7en: good
(4:17:52 AM) hooplehead1876: Are you going to stake me or what?
(4:17:54 AM) oN3 40 se7en: just some humor to lighten up this whole situation you're in
(4:17:59 AM) oN3 40 se7en: just a sec, just a sec
(4:19:19 AM) oN3 40 se7en: who would win in a fist fight, and why? Mike Jones, or Matt Damon?
(4:20:09 AM) hooplehead1876: Mike Jones. Because he's from the streets. Is this relivant, or are you just fucking with me?
(4:20:32 AM) oN3 40 se7en: this is a test to tell what kind of character you have
(4:20:32 AM) hooplehead1876: Are you just wasting my time. I told you I was good
(4:20:54 AM) oN3 40 se7en: you're actually wrong, chuck norris would kick both their butts while eating a banana split
(4:20:57 AM) oN3 40 se7en: but that's beside the point
(4:21:22 AM) hooplehead1876: HOW THE HELL COULD I GUESS THIS SHIT?
(4:21:28 AM) hooplehead1876: Fuck off!
(4:21:31 AM) oN3 40 se7en: dude
(4:21:32 AM) oN3 40 se7en: chill
(4:21:39 AM) oN3 40 se7en: I was just stating my opinion
(4:21:49 AM) oN3 40 se7en: do you want the stake or not?
(4:23:27 AM) hooplehead1876: You're just fucking with me. My pokerstars name is the same as my AOL name. If you want to make money, stake me. If you just think you're a comedian, fuck off.
(4:23:32 AM) oN3 40 se7en: seriously dude, every one of my stakees had to take this line of questioning
(4:23:37 AM) oN3 40 se7en: and none of them complained
(4:23:47 AM) oN3 40 se7en: i'm starting to think you're just yanking my crank
(4:23:58 AM) hooplehead1876: I am?
(4:24:09 AM) hooplehead1876: You're stupid!
(4:24:37 AM) oN3 40 se7en: I'm not asking for the stake, am I?
(4:24:56 AM) oN3 40 se7en: be respectful to me, since i still hold your money in my neteller account
(4:25:30 AM) hooplehead1876: I just pray you need my help with a stake someday. Are we doing this or what?
(4:25:38 AM) oN3 40 se7en: just two more questions
(4:25:45 AM) hooplehead1876: Promise?
(4:25:50 AM) oN3 40 se7en: promise
(4:26:09 AM) oN3 40 se7en: fill in the blanks: my favorite hand is _____________________ because ______________________________________.
(4:26:21 AM) hooplehead1876: AA
(4:26:37 AM) hooplehead1876: Because it's a favorite over anything
(4:27:11 AM) hooplehead1876: I also like 75, because no one sees it coming, lol
(4:27:29 AM) oN3 40 se7en: lol
(4:28:06 AM) oN3 40 se7en: fill in this last statement
(4:28:10 AM) oN3 40 se7en: and the stake is yours
(4:28:49 AM) oN3 40 se7en: I think Sam Grizzle is sexy because __________________________________________, but I think Robert Varkonyi is sexier because ______________________________________.
(4:29:32 AM) hooplehead1876: If I answer, will you stop this **** and stake me?
(4:29:39 AM) oN3 40 se7en: yes, now DO IT KNAVE!
(4:29:55 AM) hooplehead1876: Who are these peole?
(4:29:58 AM) hooplehead1876: people
(4:30:06 AM) oN3 40 se7en: you don't know who Sam Grizzle is?!
(4:30:22 AM) oN3 40 se7en: FORGET VARKONYI!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SAM GRIZZLE IS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
(4:30:51 AM) hooplehead1876: Is he that guy who beat the shit out of Phil Hullmuth?
(4:30:55 AM) hooplehead1876: Hellmuth
(4:30:57 AM) oN3 40 se7en: THANK GOD
(4:31:08 AM) oN3 40 se7en: i thought i wasn't going to get to stake you
(4:32:05 AM) hooplehead1876: I guess Sam is sexy because he's tough, but Robert is because he's rich
(4:32:19 AM) oN3 40 se7en: you have succeeded
(4:32:23 AM) hooplehead1876: Stake me now?
(4:32:32 AM) oN3 40 se7en: but before we get started
(4:32:38 AM) oN3 40 se7en: do you know the nickname for K3?
(4:32:55 AM) hooplehead1876: No
(4:33:02 AM) hooplehead1876: What the hell?
(4:33:11 AM) oN3 40 se7en: and you've been lurking on FCP for how long?
(4:33:15 AM) hooplehead1876: Are you staking me or what?
(4:33:25 AM) oN3 40 se7en: sure sure
(4:33:27 AM) oN3 40 se7en: just wondering
(4:33:33 AM) hooplehead1876: A few months
(4:33:36 AM) oN3 40 se7en: oh ok
(4:33:40 AM) oN3 40 se7en: that explains it all
(4:33:49 AM) oN3 40 se7en: here goes, the all-magical stake begins
(4:33:55 AM) oN3 40 se7en: I put on my wizard robe and hat
(4:34:05 AM) oN3 40 se7en: I cast level 200 Stake on PokerStars
(4:34:07 AM) oN3 40 se7en: and I'm spent
(4:34:08 AM) hooplehead1876: FUCK YOU!
(4:34:10 AM) oN3 40 se7en: good night sir
(4:34:14 AM) oN3 40 se7en: what?
(4:34:17 AM) oN3 40 se7en: i staked you
(4:34:48 AM) hooplehead1876: I hope you catch AIDS from all those little african kids you fuck
(4:35:01 AM) oN3 40 se7en: have fun in zimbabwe
(4:35:21 AM) oN3 40 se7en: douche