Pushing through

Last time I posted was Friday after lunch. Today is Tuesday, just after breakfast. So why the long delay?

Let's just say I've been frustrated. And I'll try to convey what happened in this blog.

So, Friday, after I posted my last entry, Joseph and I went with the phone I was given to activate it at KT. What happened next was the teetering point for this last few days.

We handed the phone over to the associate at KT. Within a split second she says, "No, we can't activate this phone. This is a 2G phone. We are discontinuing 2G service. We can only activate 3G or 4G phones. Maybe if you went to China, could you activate this phone."

Joseph apologized profusely, and said he would start looking for a phone. I went toward a cafe, frustrated. I was excited. I would finally be able to call mom. And I could call Joseph or Durihana if I got lost, or had a question. Or I could hear from Yoonmi without having to loiter around wherever I managed to get an open wifi connection. But nope, I had that snatched out from under me.

When I got to the cafe, I tried logging into their encrypted network using their WPA key, only to have the service NOT work for the first 10-20 minutes. This further served to frustrate me. However, the closer I got to the bar, the better my service was, so I just hung around the free computer, asking around on Facebook and searching Craigslist for a phone. No dice. I started talking to Yoonmi, venting my frustration over the situation. Her response: "Why do you need a phone?"

I explained to her I didn't want one just to have one, but I wanted to hear my mom's voice, etc. etc. Then she stuck her foot in her mouth. I won't go into any further detail, but I got mad. I tried explaining it, but she was busy at work and not responding. So I just stopped trying, and headed back towards Durihana.

When I got back, she was talking to me again, saying she was going to come visit me after church. By that time, I was still angry, and just told her it was her choice whether she comes or not. I know I sounded petulant, but at that point, I was having a hard time not being so.

Church was good. It helped to alleviate my frustration. I was so frustrated that I forgot about eating dinner. I was hungry, but willing to just forego my dinner. However, Pastor Chun apparently wouldn't have it. Without even knowing I hadn't eaten, he asks me to join him for some Ramyeon (Korean style ramen - super spicy). And I did.

It was here that I met the rest of the worship team I would be playing with. I already knew Gwangjin, and some of the singers. I also met Seol, the pianist -- very talented. During worship, she's been the biggest asset to me. Also very friendly, and has invited me to visit her university at some point while I'm here.

I remember when learning, I was taught that bass is the backbone of the worship team. If we mess up, the drummer gets off rhythm, and the whole thing goes out of whack. After eating, we went back upstairs to the sanctuary, and Seol set me up with a copy of the music. Sheet music: something I haven't touched since I was at SIC. Even worse was the fact that it was on a treble clef, I was playing bass, and I forgot how to read the treble clef. However, the guitar chords were listed, so that was a help for me.

However, I still struggled. If I hadn't been following Seol, I would've been lost completely. I got a few songs easily, but a couple, I just couldn't play. Even following Seol wasn't working - the way she played the chords were, for me, making it difficult to hear the root chord. I felt embarrassed to even be up there.

After worship, Pastor Chun had the refugees share about their lives in South Korea. I only had bits and pieces interpreted, but they said that adjusting to here had been difficult. They had faced discrimination amongst South Koreans. Even though they share the same DNA and blood and family history, because they are North Korean, act North Korean, and speak North Korean, they don't fit in to South Koreans' mold for this nation. To put it in perspective, that would be like someone from Texas going to New York to visit family, and being outcasted for speaking too Southern. But even that doesn't do it justice. It's just something you have to be here to understand.

When church ended, I was introduced to two visitors at the church. One was a trader with an Italian firm. The other was a medical researcher at a university here in Seoul. Both wanted to meet with me.

We went up to the office to meet. They all wanted to support me in some way. I was able to tell them about my vision for North Korea, and my desire to help out. They each asked for my e-mail. They wanted to keep in touch with me. The trader wants me to meet him today to meet his colleagues, and says he will e-mail me today. Haven't heard from him yet, but I'm expecting it.

The researcher said he will be praying, and asked me to pray for him too, for his success and that God would be blessed in his work. For some reason, I just felt led to pray for him there. And he reached out his hands for me to pray. Normally, in Korea, you rarely lay hands to pray. But in this moment, I just couldn't restrain myself, and laid hands on him, and prayed. And you could tell it meant everything to him.

When I finished, Joseph was just in awe. He talked about how what I did took him back to college. He said that in college, they used to lay hands all the time, but not anymore. I think it excited him.

After that, I went to Isu station to meet with Yoonmi, for a grand total of 10 minutes. She made (not asked) me to call my mom. I got the voice mail, left a message, and then talked to Yoonmi some. Then it was time for her to go home.

Saturday, I met Yoonmi to go to a wedding. And warp speed, Mr. Zulu, that wedding was over seemingly faster than the opening procession lasts in the states. At the end of it, I recall looking at Yoonmi and saying, "Don't tell me it's already over." I had been in 2-3 hour church services here, and the wedding lasted 20 minutes. Guiness is currently reviewing it for the shortest wedding ever.

After that, we were at a loss for what to do. So, we opted to eat while we decide, and went for Pho (Vietnamese noodles). I had heard good things, and had never been anywhere that I had the luxury of trying it. Yoonmi had constantly proclaimed it as one of her favorite things to eat, and had heavy doses of the stuff when she lived in Hawaii. And after eating it, I understood why. It was quite delicious. I had chicken pho, while Yoonmi opted for seafood, and it was truly a solid decision. Would eat again.

After that, we were still figuring out where to go. A movie was out of the question, nothing good on. I suggested Dream Park, near her apartment, or Itaewon (like she had suggested earlier in the week). She objected, saying she wanted to go someplace quiet. Then I suggested a library, and she thought that was too quiet.

She did a quick search on her phone, and said "We're going to Anguk." I just went with it. Better not to ask questions and just roll with it. I'm glad I didn't.

What I found there was probably the most beautiful area I've ever seen anywhere in the world. I think going there will have left me underwhelmed at any point in my life now. Anguk's main streets have lots of shops, but most of them have a traditional Korean-style architecture instead of the standard buildings nowadays. Once you get off that main street however, that's when things get amazing. It becomes row after row of Korean traditional style houses (with modern conveniences like electricity and running water added). Even with power lines and the sound of construction, you can just walk through this area and feel like you've been transported 100-200 years back in time to the Korea of yesteryear. Then within a split second, you can turn around, and look down a street, and see a landscape of these beautiful traditional houses sprawling across this area, then watch them fade into the Korean cityscape of downtown Seoul, with Namsan peeking up in the background. Never have I seen such a beautiful view in my life.

I will post pictures, but they just don't do it justice. Just absolutely amazing. I could've stayed in Anguk all day.

We went to eat. We were going to eat bulgogi with squid, but couldn't find a place that sells it. Our search took us from Anguk to Insadong -- a familiar place to me from last time. However, even in the familiarity of Insadong, I got an eyefull. On a stage (Where last time I had my picture taken with Korean palace guards), we found traditional performers -- a comedy act and a singing troupe, with accompanyment by Korean traditional instruments. It was quite the sound. I could've honestly listened all day.

As we delved further into Insadong, we found a HUGE commotion in a side street, and went to see what it was. What I found was something just amazing -- Tae Kyun matches. At first glance, I thought it was Tae Kwon Do, but it wasn't. And it is quite different than Tae Kwon Do, sharing more of a resemblance to capoiera than Tae Kwon Do. And despite the focus on kicks and grabs, with no punches, this is one of the most exciting things I've witnessed. I have a video that I will later upload on Youtube to emphasize this, but it was a sight to behold.

Finally we found a place to eat - a bibimbap restaurant. This now holds a place as one of my favorites, so I was more than happy to partake in some bibimbap. Looked at the menu, and found SHRIMP bibimbap. I also found galbi bibimbap, and had to flip a coin between the two. Shrimp won, and shrimp was good. For the first time, I outate Yoonmi.

However, after dinner, Yoonmi and I parted ways. She was tired and still needed to study. We both went home. And this happy day came to an end. Once again I was alone.

Sunday, I felt yet another effect of jetlag, and struggled to stay awake in church. I found myself nodding off several times.

We had lunch at church. After eating, we're supposed to take our dishes back to the sink to be washed, and we scrape off our scraps into a scrap bucket. After I dropped off my dishes, I turned to walk out of the sink area. There was some water where I stepped, and wound up slipping and landing on my left shoulder. Seol (who was washing dishes) turned around to see if I was ok, and I thought I was, just embarrassed.

However, I started walking upstairs, and moving my shoulder around, and it was tight. Still kind of hurts, probably need to go to the pharmacy for some heat wraps soon.

Come closer to church, we practiced some more, and once again, I was screwing up ever so consistently. I was getting REALLY frustrated with myself. Hana (one of the singers) kept trying to help me find my place in the music, but it only served to embarrass me. I appreciated the effort, but the more I tried, the more frustrated I got.

It's been a long time since I've played in church. I usually only practice now when I feel like it. So part of the reason I struggled is my own fault. However, there is one thing I will remember from my bass lessons with Jimmy Tharp. Despite his shortcomings, what he said stuck with me: "When I play bass, this is my weapon against Satan. Every note is like a gunshot to his heart if we are using it to glorify God. So always pray before you play."

And suddenly, that came to me. And while we were praying for the service, I was saying my own prayers to God. I didn't want to embarrass myself, or let the church down. I was torn between sitting down or staying. But I asked God to bless my hands because my brain certainly wasn't processing what I needed to play. It had to be him playing right now, not me.

And that's what happened. I barely screwed up at all during worship service. I attributed it all to God. It's the only way that could happen.

Once again I struggled to stay awake during the sermon for afternoon service. It was good, and the speaker (not Pastor Chun) was anointed. But I was so jetlagged it wasn't even funny.

After church, I went upstairs and took an hour nap. I woke up, and walked around for a while, waiting for Yoonmi to tell me what time to go meet her at Coex. I continued to feel alone. I wanted to talk to people at Durihana, but was so scared to. If their English is limited, they couldn't understand me, and if I said something wrong in Korean, I could really ruin my witness on accident. It was just frustrating. I just sat in the park across the street from Durihana, watching people, and reading the Bible until it was time to leave for Samsung station.

Once I got there, I waited for about 5 minutes for Yoonmi, only to find she was waiting outside of my visibility behind a column. She had already eaten, but wanted me to eat, so we walked around the food court looking for something appetizing. I settled on sushi rolls with cheese in them, and soy sauce soup. Was pretty good. We talked about our church services. I mentioned briefly how I felt. She didn't say much about that.

Since we couldn't eat together, and she had to go home, I decided I would take the train to Miasamgeori to take her home. I walked her to her apartment, then left to catch the bus...the first time I had taken the bus in Korea alone.

The way they announce stops on the buses is different than the subway. When I was here last year, it sounded like pure, unadulterated gibberish to me. Even on the way to her apartment, it sounded the same. When I got on the bus by myself, I was worried I wouldn't hear my station name, that it would just sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. However, my ears just opened (out of necessity) to what was being said, and was able to get to the right station, pick up some manjoo to snack on while I was heading back to Durihana, and subsequently arrive home safely.

Monday was Memorial Day here. A national holiday. And Yoonmi had to work. I didn't. Joseph didn't, so he didn't get to Durihana until later in the day. So that leaves me as the veritable turd in the punch bowl. I couldn't even have my mom call the office, as it was locked up. If I felt alone the other days, I REALLY felt alone Monday. And of course, I had no phone to find out if anyone from Durihana was doing or wanted to do something. I had to fight to even leave my room. I wound up having a worship service in my bedroom floor, just me and God. I started to feel better after that, and went downstairs to practice bass. I also decided to buy a guitar strap, as they had no strap for the bass there. I asked Yoonmi where I could find a music store, and she guessed Insadong. She also told me to meet her at 2PM for lunch in Sinseoldong, where she works. Joseph arrived, and unlocked the office, so I had my mom call.

When she called, the brevity of the distance between us just became evident, and whatever high I experienced during worship plummeted. I vented to her, and she asked if I would talk to Yoonmi about this, and I told her it wouldn't do any good. I soon left to go meet Yoonmi.

I got to Sinseoldong 10 minutes early. Which is fine, I'm early getting anywhere. I bumped into some kids at the subway exit, and they were excited to meet a foreigner and speak English. They were somewhere between 7-9 years old, and really friendly, and spoke English well for little Korean kids. They soon parted, and the joy I experienced talking to them diminished back into the loneliness that I was experiencing.

I looked at my clock, and found an open wifi connection. Noon. I send a message to Yoonmi asking if we were going to meet inside or outside of the exit. No reply. Ask again, no reply. I sit down midway up the stairs, she comes up and nudges me. 15 minutes after we were supposed to meet. In my frustration and loneliness, I grew impatient. I was upset. She asked why I felt bad. I told her it was because I'm white.

We head to lunch, and where she wanted to eat, I couldn't find anything appetizing. She offered to go somewhere else, by then, we had already wasted so much time. This made me more frustrated. I wanted to eat with her and have a good time with her on her lunch break, and I made her not be able to eat, and I was miserable, and I was making her feel bad. She kept apologizing. All of this, unless I say otherwise, was in Korean:

Yoonmi: Sorry.
Me: ....
Yoonmi: Sorry.
Me: Stop.
Yoonmi: Sorry.
Me: Quit doing that!
Yoonmi: What?
Me: Saying you're sorry.
Yoonmi: Why?
Me: I don't want to hear it.
Yoonmi: Why?
Me: Because you're not sorry.
Yoonmi: Really, I'm sorry.
Me: (In English) For what?! Me being American?
Yoonmi: (English) That I had to work.
Me: (English) It's not your fault.
Yoonmi: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah, but...
Yoonmi: But what?
Me: But you eat. Nothing looks good to me, you should eat.
Yoonmi: What about you?
Me: I'll eat later.
Yoonmi: Corey, please eat.
Me: No, you eat.
Yoonmi: ...
Me: I want to go home.
Yoonmi: To Harrisburg?
Me: Yeah.
Yoonmi: ...

We exit the restaurant, and are standing outside a subway station at this point. A

Yoonmi: What's wrong?
Me: I'm American. That's what's wrong. I'm standing here in Korea, surrounded by Koreans. I feel like a freak of nature. I can't speak Korean. No one speaks English to me. If you or Joseph aren't around me, I'm utterly and totally alone! (by this point I'm yelling, and people are staring, but I'm so frustrated, I don't care)
Yoonmi: I understand...
Me: No! Don't pretend that you understand! You don't know how this feels. Everywhere you've lived, Hawaii, Kyrgyzstan, you've been around Koreans all the time. Even when you went to the Philippines and Uganda, you were with Koreans! The only time you've been around no one who spoke your language was when you came to visit me in November. And I was with you at all times, so you could at least talk with me. So don't you act like you know how this feels, because you don't. I feel like I could scream here, and not a single person would understand me or try to help at all. You don't know how it feels to walk around talking to yourself in a foreign country because there's no one else to talk to you, and you feel like you need to talk to someone.
Yoonmi: But I do. When I was Japan, no one to talk to. No one taught me how to use the trains or buses. Same in Hawaii, at first everyone was busy. I didn't know anyone, so I spent a lot of time alone. I really understand.

And my foot was in my mouth. We headed back to where she had originally wanted to eat. By then, it was too late to eat, and I had turned my stomach into knots during my spiel. I just asked her to pray for me in the restaurant, and she did. And then we both grabbed some coffee, and that's it. That's all we had time for by then. I felt horrible that I made her miss her lunch. But she assured me she had bread to eat at work.

Feeling bad, I walked her back to work, and talked more on the way. On the way, we passed by a large flea market on the streets. I made a note of this mentally. I dropped her off, hugged her, and told her I loved her, and she told me to have a good day. I told her I would try.

I left and headed back towards the flea market. I decided to try to find a guitar strap here, as it would be cheaper than going to Insadong to buy one. And I failed miserably at this task. I crossed the street to go back toward the subway (and wound up on the wrong side, having to cross later). However, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

I walked by another booth at the flea market, of a guy selling nothing but cell phones and cell phone batteries. Sitting on top of this pile of cell phones was a like new touch screen phone, maybe a year or two old at most. I turned it on to find it not only worked perfectly, but had a full battery. I couldn't tell at that point if it was 3G. Only way was to ask.

The shop owner didn't speak English, but a customer beside me did, and translated. It was 3G, in good condition, for 30,000won, about $30. I thought about it strongly, prayed about it, and pulled out a 50,000 note, then just trusted God that he provided a cell phone. Then I headed toward Insadong.

As soon as I got into Insadong, at the first shop I found, it was a music store. I walked in, and as soon as I entered, found guitar straps. One for 15,000, job 2 completed. Walked around for a little bit before heading back, and someone wearing hanbok just randomly hands me a small Korean flag. For some reason, other than finding the strap and the phone, this cheered me up immensely. I then headed back toward Isu.

When I got to Isu, I found Joseph, and showed him the phone, which he confirmed was 3G, which meant I officially had a phone that could be activated! Hallelujah. We ate, then I went upstairs to practice for worship service. Seol was late, so Gwangjin, Hana, the rest of the singers, and myself practiced alongside a CD of the songs we were doing until she did arrive. Then we ran through other songs. Someone else (don't know his name) showed up to play acoustic guitar, and we prayed and were off.

And God just anointed the worship service. It was just powerful. And I no longer fumbled around. I think the combination of my frustration just being gone, and the fact that I prayed and practiced, and even the fact that I was standing up playing (which is how I play best), just allowed for me to play with the enthusiasm I needed to. And it radiated throughout the worship service. Everyone could tell that with me finally clicking with the worship team, that there was a drastic improvement in the dynamic. I would see Gwangjin in song breaks giving me thumbs up, Seol did the same after we finished.

One girl sang a special. Then they asked me to get up and speak with interpretation about how I came to be here. I was able to pour out my heart over this time. Then Joseph got up to lead prayer. This was done harp & bowl style, but I'm not totally sure whether that was planned or not. If it happens again, I'll tell you. All I know is Seol was already at the keyboard playing, then I see Gwangjin moving toward the drums, and I couldn't help but follow suit toward the bass. And Hana moved towards the microphone, and in breaks during prayer she would sing, but we were constantly playing throughout the service.

I could look out in the crowd and see everyone just so enthralled with the prayer and the worship. It was just so strong. Joseph's prayers were just so anointed. I couldn't tell you anything he said at that point, but when you feel it, it doesn't matter what the language was. We must have played for about an hour. It certainly felt like it. But it was amazing.

After service, we went downstairs to rejoice by having a "snack." Or that's what Seol said to me. To be brutally honest, for me, it could've been a meal, as it was a dozen sushi rolls per person. Absolutely perfect way to end the night, and we were all ready to go upstairs to sleep.

I'll tell you that today, I woke up carrying over the feeling from last night. It certainly is an improvement. And now I have a phone. I don't have to loiter around open wifi points just to communicate now.

I'll talk more about today later. But just wanted to give you a long overdue update.

Pictures and video will come soon too. Just praise God, everything went from bad to good.