I was sitting at school, doing absolutely nothing, and then all of a sudden, I felt like writing. So I opened up OpenOffice.org Writer and started typing. Here's what I had to say:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just felt like writing right now. I don't know why. I don't know what I'm going to write about. But I'm going to write. Everything sucks right now. I don't understand why. I should be happy. In fact, I should be running down the halls screaming praises to God at the top of my lungs. I mean, everything has been going good. I have the song written that will launch my music career. God has told me who my future wife is. No one's died within the last month. I've not been diagnosed with cancer. So why am I down on myself?

I'm always looking at everything from the darkest viewpoint. I always look for reasons for why things won't happen, and not the reasons why God wants them to happen. Am I stupid or something? Can I not see that God's reasoning is different than my own? I mean, this is so incredibly stupid. I've got everything going for me, but I can't take time out of my lazy life to even read the Bible. And how about my prayer life? Why is that non-existent? Because I take too much time to be lazy and gripe about how I'm bored and never do anything! If I wanted to do something, why don't I read my Bible and pray?! It's that simple, really! If I would stop being so apathetic about not doing anything and actually do something worthwhile, wouldn't there be a difference in my life? Wouldn't I have a change in my life that I know I need in order to face my future responsibilities, which I know are inevitably coming soon? Why don't I strive for it? Am I scared to face this change? I don't know why I should be. The only thing that's gonna change is that I'm going to become more blessed. Why would I not want to be more blessed? Why can't I just wake myself up out of this depressing dream I've thrown myself back into and do something about it?!

Every time I do this, I make myself go mental. I hurt myself. I hurt other people. I wonder why God would want me. I doubt that God would want me. I turn away for a while. I come back full force. I fizzle out again. Repeat step one. It's a vicious circle, and it's stupid. Every time I do this and get back on track I say how much I hate the way I act when I get to that breaking point and how I would never want to go back there again. But three months later, I'm back there again. It's sickening. Am I that afraid of success, of blessings, that I'll go back to a place I hate to be just to hide from it? Am I just a whine-bag that only wants to get sympathy from others? Why would I want to be like that? Sympathy gets you nothing, but blessings give you everything. And I want everything. I just don't know why I get so scared to get everything. And why do I always feel so stupid? Why do I always have to act the idiot?

Did someone automatically designate me the idiot of the region? It seems no matter what I do, people treat me like the village idiot. My youth pastor, my youth group, a lot of my friends make me feel like I am a huge doofus. I could discover the cure for cancer, and say that to my youth pastor, and he'd just laugh at me and say, “Corey, go back to your hole.” That's the way I feel. It hurts that I always have to be that idiot, and no matter what I say, nobody takes me seriously. They only take me seriously when I'm joking. And when I'm serious, they think I'm being stupid. It's pathetic. I wish I could just get up in front of my whole entire church and tell them I'm not the idiot that they portray me to be. If only I hadn't acted the fool when I first started to go to church there. Maybe I'd be treated differently. Or perhaps the people that continuously make me look like the biggest boob of the church would still find things to pick at.

I always feel like the odd one out. I always feel like people intentionally try to get to me, and try to bring me down. And then, I feel like there's a lot of time when I'm being constantly ignored. I sometimes feel like I could walk into a place and scream, “Bomb!” and no one would even hear me. Sometimes I've been tempted to do that, just to see if anyone would actually hear me.

I think that's all I have to say now. I just wanted to write, and get things out. Now that I've ranted, you can go back to what you were doing. There's nothing more to see here.