The Verizon Files: Heavy and Sticky

**The following is actual events. Nothing here is made up.**

I haven't had too much to write about on here, so I figured I would start posting some old stories I have. This line of stories is what I call, "The Verizon Files."

In February of 2006, I gave up the dream of TP/MM (Turning Pro/Making Millions, for the non-poker players out there), and got a job at a call center doing technical support for Verizon DSL.

During the three weeks of training, our trainer continually said, "You will get some weird calls on the floor. I'm trying to prepare you for this." I think most of us shrugged it off.

Until we got out of training, and on the floor.

We started off our first week in Training Bay, also known as The Tank. This is where we take actual calls. The only calls we got in Tank were installation calls. So pretty much redundant stuff at this point.

My entire first two days of Tank were uneventful. I had absolutely no problems whatsoever with my calls.

On my last call of the third day, the crap hit the fan. I need to reiterate this fact before we begin: We have mute buttons on our headsets. This comes into play many, many, many times.

I get a call from a Spanish woman, who, naturally, wants to install her DSL. Verizon does have a Spanish support line, but at 5:30PM, the line shuts down (for siesta, one would assume). After 5:30, all Spanish calls get sent to English support. This is where Zanax becomes your best friend.

Let me explain the first step of installation to you. There are gray boxes in the installation kit called filters. These filters look like phone jacks that plug into your existing phone jacks. What you do, is you plug the filters into all of your phone jacks except the one that you will plug your DSL modem into.

Well, this lady had plugged one into the jack the modem will be going into, thus causing her not to get a DSL signal. I kindly ask her to remove it, and she obliges...kind of.

I hear her grunting and groaning in the background. Geez, is it really that hard to get it out. She's really heaving at this. By now, I'm wondering if I should call 911, when all of a sudden, I hear her say into the phone, "I can't."

"You can't?"

"No, I can't."

"Why not?"

"The filters...they're heavy...and sticky!"

...By now I'm stifling laughter. Surely I completely misheard her. Surely to God she did not say what I think she did.

"I'm sorry...what was that?"

"The filters are heavy and sticky!"

"Please hold ma'am...*mute*"

Now I am on the ground laughing my head off, mainly because of what was running through my head when she said that. I'm sure the exact same thoughts were running through your mind:

"...Just what exactly was she doing with those filters?"

By now, everyone in Tank is now looking at me, and trying to get me to tell them what's going on.

I finally got out exactly what she said, and the entire Tank erupts in laughter, all except one guy, who was bold enough to say exactly what was on my mind:

"...Just what exactly was she doing with those filters?"

We never got an answer to that question, because I suddenly hear her in the background saying, "Hello, is there anyone there who speaks Spanish? Spanish?"

I had no clue at this time that Spanish support shut down at 5:30.

"Spanish support? No problem ma'am, I'll connect you."

I hope the next ENGLISH representative she got had as much fun with that as I did.