Circumstances got me thinking about my last band, Active Hero. I remember in my mind thinking that the band was out against me, and they just wanted me out of the band. Well, part of that may be true, but upon scrutiny, I completely understand why.
I may not be able to fully explain away everything, but I turned into one of the biggest butts I know when Active Hero was formed. And I know where some of it came from: my ego.
I got absolutely egotistical. And it was all because I was a great bass player. I'm not trying to boast when I say that, because I'm by no means anywhere near there anymore. But I had been playing for a decent time now, and it become one of the only things I did. So, during jams and after concerts, people would come up to me and tell me that I was great. And used to (in '03, during the Stick Shift period), I would just say thanks and that's it. Nothing. Come '04 (Active Hero era), I would be humble and deny it, but deep down inside I was thinking, "Yeah, that's right!" It was my ego brooding. After Stick Shift broke up and Shaun Hernandez, Kyle Rogers, and I were trying to get Draumatikpauz going, I was going to sing. But Shaun kept telling me to go back to bass, because that was where I truly shined. Shaun was saying what he was supposed to say, it wasn't meant for these intentions, but all it did was fuel my ego.
And I won't sit here and lie and say I wasn't a good bassist. Because I was. But I made myself out to be a better bassist than I really was. And that made me feel like I had a certain "Superstar Quality" over everyone else. And that's the worst disposition you can ever have in anything. I mean, here's some stuff that I would normally not do, yet was what I was doing in Active Hero:
1. Tell whoever was taking photographs at the show to make sure to get great pics of me. I would even go so far as to tell them what poses I wanted in the pics, and would show them signals I would give for them to take the picture.
2. If I could hear enough of any instrument that my bass started to blend in, I would get pissed and demand that the bass be turned up. This would in turn drown out all other instruments, and they would get pissed and tell me turn down the bass, which would make me even more pissed. Then I would argue with my bandmates until they gave into my demand to keep the bass up. I have a recording where the only things you can hear are the vocals and the bass. Sick, and not in a good way.
3. I would pack four changes of clothes: one for the ride to the show, one for the acoustic worship set, one for the rock set, and one for the ride home. That's right! I got so cocky, that I had to have costume changes!
4. I tried to write parts in the song on all the other instruments in the band, which I had zero expertise in, and then would get angry at everyone when they would not use my parts which I had no right to suggest in the first place.
5. The bandmates have no clue that I did this, but I wrote a list of pros and cons for each member of the band, including myself (I think the sole reason I included myself was to not look like I was griping about everyone else). I wrote a ton of pros about myself and a few cons. Then I wrote a few pros about everyone else, and a bunch of cons. I was actually going to present this list at the next band practice. Thankfully, there were no more for me, because I would've hate to have seen how this would've went over now.
6. Shows were not going to be played unless they were on my terms. Some of these terms included that there was not to be more worship than there was rock. If there was, I would threaten to boycott the show until they cut some worship songs out. If I felt rushed (as in, there was no time to set up my THREE basses, amp, fiddle with my tone for 30 minutes, sign autographs, and change clothes) between different shows, I would not play. This was actually the reason I left the band. And if I hadn't quit, I wouldn't have been surprised if I was thrown out. See, we were slated to play one show at 1 PM. Then we were to tear down (as in, the band tearing down the heavy stuff, and me tearing down my stuff, changing clothes, and taking whatever light stuff and loading it up), and play a show an hour and half away at 7 PM. In my mind, this just wasn't acceptable. This caused a major argument between me and Phil, one of our lead singers, who had been one of my best friends for years. We wound up not speaking to each other for forever. Two days after this argument, I told them I was leaving the band, but would play with them on the last two shows. Well, come later, I fell back on my word, and told them I would only play the last one, because it was closer to home and I was strapped for gas money, and the fact that I still felt playing that first show then migrating to the other was simply unacceptable. This caused a huge argument with the drummer, who told me that I might as well not show up to play at all. He actually got so mad at me that he threatened to throw my amp out into the middle of his front yard, and let the weather destroy it.
I did show up at the last show, partly because I wanted to see the other bands, partly cause I wanted to hang with friends, but mostly cause I wanted to heckle Active Hero and show my butt some more.
I really did some stupid stuff. But, after trying to start new bands, and failing, because so many people had heard the horror stories of working with me, I gave up. I got served a dish of humility that I needed. And it took me a long time to eat it. I would not give up my ego that I was the greatest bassist in the area. And it burned me more and more that I could not get in a band, and screwed me up so much inside that it still hurts.
I write this not only to remind myself of my mistakes so that I don't repeat them, but to also warn aspiring musicians of the pitfalls of playing and getting recognition for your abilities. Do not go down this road. It may feel good, but it will get you nowhere except for where I went. And in reality, during that whole time, I was more miserable than I'd ever been in my life. I put too much faith in my abilities and myself that I lost sight of God and anything else that mattered. Then you know, God silenced that gift for a while, and completely burned me out of playing. It was sad. Thankfully, my ego has diminished. And now my gift is returning. And hopefully, it won't need to be silenced once more.
To Bryce, Phil, Jeremy, & Aaron, if you guys ever read this: I apologize from the deepest spot in my heart. I expected the utmost respect from all of you because I had put myself on a pedestal in my mind, and I gave you a complete lack of disrespect at the same time. I pretended to be something I wasn't in the band: a born-again Christian preaching the good news, when in reality I was trying to preach how great I was. You guys deserved none of that. Moreover, I strained and made completely unrepairable damage to relationships that could have blossomed into a brotherhood. I'm truly amazed you guys put with me as long as you did.
If I could have the summer of 2004 to do over again, I would do it all differently. But I don't, and I'm thankful for the hard lessons I had to learn because of it. Because it has taught me so much of what not to do. I know I can never take back the hurt I caused, and I know none of us can ever forget what I have done to you guys, but I mean every word I just said. From the depths of my soul, I ask your forgiveness for the wrongs I committed.
That was a long time coming, and I needed to get it out.
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